I just want a comment. [SIZE="1"]Just one little comment[/SIZE] Please? I've posted this on two different venues and nothing so far. So...
This short story was written for the Character Sketch contest by Writers-In-Progress on DA. This is the edited version, cut down to 1000 words exactly in order to comply to contest rules.
Genre: Fantasy
*ahehehem*
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King Luxcen frowned. It was not yet midday, yet he was already irritated with everything that befell him. Chancellor Rolemy pestered him with “urgentâ€
"The Escape" (really lame title, I know)
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Maledicte - Posts: 2078
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Fish and Chips - Posts: 4415
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Well done. I loved how you developed the character of the king --and how he frolicked outside in the sun!
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves."
"Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves."
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Sheenar - Posts: 2989
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[SIZE="1"]Is this little enough?[/SIZE] 
Okay, comments. I like the story, the character is developed nicely, and the switch at the end is well executed.
If I were to suggest changing anything, it would be in the first paragraph.
[quote]It was not yet midday, yet he was already irritated with everything that befell him. Chancellor Rolemy pestered him with “urgentâ€
Okay, comments. I like the story, the character is developed nicely, and the switch at the end is well executed.
If I were to suggest changing anything, it would be in the first paragraph.
[quote]It was not yet midday, yet he was already irritated with everything that befell him. Chancellor Rolemy pestered him with “urgentâ€
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
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Thanks guys!
I'm mean to this character.
Thanks, I wasn't happy with that word choice either. It would screw up the word count for the contest, though, but I'll fix up the one on my harddrive.
I'm mean to this character.
'befell' feels like the wrong tense. 'had befallen' would sound much better. But you could even just cut out 'with everything that befell him'. It will become clear to the reader why the King is irritated as they continue reading.
Thanks, I wasn't happy with that word choice either. It would screw up the word count for the contest, though, but I'll fix up the one on my harddrive.
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Maledicte - Posts: 2078
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I enjoyed this, especially the way you ended it ^^.
This is something a lot of us can relate to (well, the "wanting-to-dump-all-this-work-and-just-chill" part).
Well, I have no grammatical critiques (too weak in that stuff to give it ^^').
Good job and good luck!
This is something a lot of us can relate to (well, the "wanting-to-dump-all-this-work-and-just-chill" part).
Well, I have no grammatical critiques (too weak in that stuff to give it ^^').
Good job and good luck!
[color=purple][font=Tahoma][color=royalblue]"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."--[/color]Isaiah 40:31
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~darkelfgirl~ - Posts: 720
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