The click of leather on a paved street echoes down an alley. A lone figure can be seen trailing blood. She looks to the sky, her face grim with the blood that stains her hands. She knew it didn't have to come to this. She knew it was so easy to advoid. She looks to the moon, the symbol of womanhood in the vast heavens. She weeps to her Father and for all that she has hurt this night. She sinks against one of the damp brick walls of the alley and reminices the beginning of it all.
"Sasha you can't go out tonight. There is too many rumours flying about."
"Oh shutup. I have to see him! I have to talk to him out of this."
She knew she was right to plead her sister to stay. She knew it wasn't just the rumours that made her body scream out a warning. Her sister did leave, and she never came back as herself. She did not get there in time to save him only to see what they did to him. Poor Stephen. Poor sweet Stephen. She came home in a trance. She stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped thinking. Daddie tried to feed her, to snap her out of it.
She looked down at the bullet hole in her side. They had claimed her too, but she had won. they were gone. She laughed until blood came up with her breaths. Was she ok to laugh at killing someone? She did'nt think about it for too long.
All the warm memories of Sasha came rushing back. Finding her in the kitchen making brownies just for the fun of it, seeing her come home with a boquete of daisies just for her, just because. Listening to her sing while she brushed and styled her hair. All the times at the park with Stephen. Listening to their laughter, seeing and feeling their love. They all said "Keidra, I'm sorry for your loss." But Sasha wasn't lost. She was gone. She wasn't ever going to find her beloved sister in the kitchen or in the bedroom sketching. She was gone.
She looked to the sky again. She felt so tired. So weak. She woundered if anyone would think these things about the people she had killed that night. In the moment of realization she sheds a tear, realeses a prayer asking for forgiveness and falls dead.
"Police arrive on the scene this morning finding five dead and a trail of blood that is believed to lead to the killer. Police suspect this a gang related crime. No further information is available at this time."
Ok I don't normally do this kind of writing but hey you know thought I'd do something a little different. Let me know how ya'all likes it.
Summin' Different
23 posts •
Page 1 of 1
Summin' Different
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
I am impressed with what you captured in this small segment. You kept a voice throughout this that pulled me into your character's feelings. You wrote with heart and compassion; and, I think you realize what writing is all about.
You are such a wealth of talent.
The only problems of course, were some misspelled words and a couple of fragmented sentences. But, that's just grammar. Grammar can be fixed easily; but, telling a writer how to feel is so much harder to fix.
I like it.
And, you don't need to show me where to view your writing. I've already been to your Deviant Art site from when you were Lain Iwakura.
You are such a wealth of talent.
The only problems of course, were some misspelled words and a couple of fragmented sentences. But, that's just grammar. Grammar can be fixed easily; but, telling a writer how to feel is so much harder to fix.
I like it.
And, you don't need to show me where to view your writing. I've already been to your Deviant Art site from when you were Lain Iwakura.[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Yes, exactly what true_noir_chloe said. I am very impressed. I think that you could go pretty far, just keep on writing. I enjoyed it.
"So it begins" - Theodon, King of Rohan
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Heaven's Cloud - Posts: 563
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 5:57 pm
- Location: Behind a computer
*Bows* Tankie very much! It means alot to me. The mispellings could be because it was written at two in the morning but...*Shrug*
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
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Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
Dark, yes, but not bad.
One thing that hasn't been said: you have a tendency to use the same word to begin a sentence repeatedly. This isn't too big of a deal, but it is slightly repetative.
One thing that hasn't been said: you have a tendency to use the same word to begin a sentence repeatedly. This isn't too big of a deal, but it is slightly repetative.
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
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Spiritsword - Posts: 2102
- Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Geneva, IL
Tet-Chan i know this isn't the place but i love your banner thinguy at your sig! ^^
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
uc pseudonym, I think the repeating words of the sentances makes the story somewhat poetic.
I like it muchly Murphy-san~ The whole background thing, and how she's so depressed, its like her life is pointless *tear*
is it sortof linked to fidelius? Thats a real stretch, but it sortof our story- tis really coolio n_n
I like it muchly Murphy-san~ The whole background thing, and how she's so depressed, its like her life is pointless *tear*
is it sortof linked to fidelius? Thats a real stretch, but it sortof our story- tis really coolio n_n
Where do you go when you just dont know, and how do we relight the flame when it's cold?
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing, and when will we learn to control?
I need serenity, In a place where I can't hide. I need serenity, Nothing changes days go by.
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing, and when will we learn to control?
I need serenity, In a place where I can't hide. I need serenity, Nothing changes days go by.
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Dirge - Posts: 75
- Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: My Computer
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
O_o heck no.. your not me.. that'd be creepy if you were..
I was just giving another end of the string m'dear
*is all proper-like* :E
not to offend, of course
I was just giving another end of the string m'dear
*is all proper-like* :E
not to offend, of course
Where do you go when you just dont know, and how do we relight the flame when it's cold?
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing, and when will we learn to control?
I need serenity, In a place where I can't hide. I need serenity, Nothing changes days go by.
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing, and when will we learn to control?
I need serenity, In a place where I can't hide. I need serenity, Nothing changes days go by.
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Dirge - Posts: 75
- Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: My Computer
I'd have to agree with Dirge on this one.
Are you going to write some more or something else, Murphy? I'd love to read it.^^
Are you going to write some more or something else, Murphy? I'd love to read it.^^
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
There is a rule in grammar that you should never put a pronoun into a sentence until you have specified the noun before it. Also there is a severe difference between poetry and prose. Poetry is the use of interconnecting patterns in creating an emotion. Prose is the use of interconnecting words, sentences, and paragraphs to create this emotion.
I know my own story is bland because I do not dwell into the character's reasons, emotions, past. That is something I have to develope in time and have to strive everyday to do. I should aggressively go forth and pour into my characters my morals and feelings in such a way that they respond realistically. All writers must grow in their own paths, others can help but it is our own voyage.
My two ruples.
I know my own story is bland because I do not dwell into the character's reasons, emotions, past. That is something I have to develope in time and have to strive everyday to do. I should aggressively go forth and pour into my characters my morals and feelings in such a way that they respond realistically. All writers must grow in their own paths, others can help but it is our own voyage.
My two ruples.
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Lochaber Axe - Posts: 730
- Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2003 7:26 pm
- Location: Where my mind forms a nexus...
(I have no colour *weeps*)
Responders of this thread,
Thank you Dirge and Chloe. Please, gramar has never been my strong point. I write how I write to convey emotion. And because of this I know what I write will not be correct because I search for impresions and my un-grammar-ness stands out as far as my opinions go. But then bad grammar does not sell does it?
Unfotunate. Yes Chloe, I am working on three stories right now, one of a runawway, one a fantasy/romance, one a fantasy/adventure. The last two are too long to post and I will continue to post my short srories only however I can email a copy of my manuscript to you whan the other two are completed. I would appreciate any opinons or editing you can offer. I enjoy feedback on my stories, however fond or unfond because it helps me know what is out there and what people like and don't like. So thank you all for your feedback.
Sincerley,
Ashlynn
aka
Murphy
Responders of this thread,
Thank you Dirge and Chloe. Please, gramar has never been my strong point. I write how I write to convey emotion. And because of this I know what I write will not be correct because I search for impresions and my un-grammar-ness stands out as far as my opinions go. But then bad grammar does not sell does it?
Unfotunate. Yes Chloe, I am working on three stories right now, one of a runawway, one a fantasy/romance, one a fantasy/adventure. The last two are too long to post and I will continue to post my short srories only however I can email a copy of my manuscript to you whan the other two are completed. I would appreciate any opinons or editing you can offer. I enjoy feedback on my stories, however fond or unfond because it helps me know what is out there and what people like and don't like. So thank you all for your feedback.
Sincerley,
Ashlynn
aka
Murphy
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
Thanks for offering to send me your stuff. However, I'm a bit backlogged at the moment and probably couldn't look at anything until next year. Other than that, I would love to look at your stuff, Ashlynn.^^ Really.~-^
I also am not a very good editor. Eirewolf is much better. *hehe* Some people think I know what I'm doing; but, I am but a simple writer. Emphasis on the simple (Did you see how I just wrote that fragmented sentence?).
Now, I can definitely be opinionated. I'm good at throwing out unneeded wordy opinions. Just read this long post in answer to your post. I just go on, and on, and on, and on - in an Energizer bunny kind-a-way. *dizzy*
Talk to you later.^_^
I also am not a very good editor. Eirewolf is much better. *hehe* Some people think I know what I'm doing; but, I am but a simple writer. Emphasis on the simple (Did you see how I just wrote that fragmented sentence?).
Now, I can definitely be opinionated. I'm good at throwing out unneeded wordy opinions. Just read this long post in answer to your post. I just go on, and on, and on, and on - in an Energizer bunny kind-a-way. *dizzy*
Talk to you later.^_^
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
-
true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Well anyways I'll post my runaway story when I'm done with it. ^^
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
*pokes her head in..* hello ^.^ I think you have a really good story here and would like to read more. I don't critique much, but I just thought I'd pop in and give a thumbs up (for whatever that's worth).
"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"---
True Navigation: Two MIX
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Mimichan - Posts: 241
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there
Thankie! *self-esteem goes up!*
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
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