Broken?

[snowcatgrlX7]

"What's the use, though? I-i'll never be good enough!" I cried. I was 11 years old and was bawling like a baby.
"Yes you will," my mother said, whilst enveloping me in her arms.
When I look back now at how I used to be, I think I was really pathetic and weak back then.
"B-but the kids at school keep calling me names! A-and one kid pushed me onto the ground a-and my arms got scraped," I said, as tears flowed from my eyes. My face was getting all blotchy now and snot was coming from my nose. I was a mess and was getting tears all over my mom's shirt. If she wasn't as patient as she was, I think she wouldve gotten really **** with the way I was ruining her sweater.
"Don't listen to them. If you know what they're saying isn't true, then don't let what they're saying get to you. Remember, you're a child of God and don't let anyone tell you different," my mother told me, hugging me really hard. I cried even more after that though. I hated being so weak and not capable of defending myself. I suppose it wasn't my fault though. I was really thin, I had difficulty understanding schoolwork and on top of that, I had dyslexia. My dad, had also died when I was about three. I didn't really get to know him well, but I would've liked to. He could've taught me how to play sports and could've taught me how to fish. He could've also given me some advice on girls since I'm struggling with that now but, he's gone. I could list a bunch of other problems I have but, to be honest, it'd take forever. My mom kept trying to comfort me after that, but it didn't work. The bullying wouldn't stop and eventually, I had to change schools. All throughout my middle school and early high school years I was constantly ridiculed and called stupid for not knowing easy things. Like I said before, learning was really hard for me. I often found myself falling behind in class and whenever I asked a question, everyone would always put me down. "Are you serious? You still don't get it?" and "Freaking idiot," were two of the most common phrases I heard during my freshman and sophomore years. I was really starting to hate being alive at that point. It wasn't my fault that I had learning disabilities. It also wasn't my fault that I was skinny and scrawny. I tried to eat as much as I could, but nothing stayed on me. I was tired of everyone making fun of me. One night, I was feeling the saddest I'd ever felt. The burden I'd been carrying so long finally got to me. I needed help. I desperately longed for someone to talk to. Someone I could share my sadness with. So I did.
"I'm sorry I haven't talked to You in so long. I'm sorry this took so long but now I really need You. I- I hate this all so much. Each day it's one thing or another. This has all been going on so long that whatever hope I have is fading. Why did You have to make me this way? Why did I have to be the toothpick or the one who can't solve a simple math problem? It's not f-fair! And the thing that really hurts is that no one wants to be friends with someone like me. I'm sick of being lonely. I've never had any friends in my entire life. No girl has ever asked me out or asked me to be her date and I doubt one ever will. I'm nothing but a waste of oxygen, aren't I? Is it to much to ask to not wake up tomorrow?" my voice trailed off after that. It felt good to finally get those things off my chest, but the pain was still there. I layed down on my bed and stared at the ceiling, emotionless. I really didn't want to wake up tomorrow. I didn't want to face another day at school. Eventually I went to sleep and of course, I woke up.

[snowcatgrlX7]

I don't know if I should continue this...meh
Its a story told from a 16, 17 or 18 (i'll probably choose an official age for this dude later :p) male point of view
But yeah. Here's part one ( I think) and the next part might be told from a girl's point of view but I'm not really sure...

[snowcatgrlX7]

Also, tell me what you DON'T like about the story so far
Criticism :0

[goldenspines]

I'm surprised no one has responded to this, thought sadly the writing forum can be a low traffic area.

As a general overview, this is an interesting read. I like the idea you're going towards and I'm curious to see how the future parts play out as well (I have yet to read part 2, but I'll try to soon).

I'm not an expert writer, though I'm a fairly good reader and did dabble in some fiction writing (short stories are my shtick), so I'll give what tips I can to help you make this little piece of writing better.

Tip number 1: As it is now, the point of view is not too far off track, but it is a bit confusing. Without you, the author, telling me I would have never guessed this was from the point of view of a high school boy. Even believing it was from the point of view of a male was a a bit of a stretch. But you sort of drove yourself into a difficult corner with this one. You not only are trying to write from the perspective of a 16 year old boy, but you are also trying to write the perspective of that boy talking about his perspective when he was 11. Talk about making things hard for yourself. XP
I personally find kids easy to write (probably because I'm still a kid at heart myself, ha!) and you actually did an okay job with the little guy's perspective, but your shift back to 16 year old guy in the present was a bit awkward.
It's hard to give advice on perspective writing, though, beyond the whole "Just study how guys act and what they care about or something....*mumbles*". Though I think some changes in how you phrase things may help a lot. Think about all the guys you know and what each of them would say and think in these situations.

Tip number 2: Now, onto the easy stuff, grammar! Proofread your stuff more. You have several misplaced commas and awkward wording in some of you sentences. Read your writing out loud and see if they sound okay. If not and you are stumbling over some parts, reword it!
I'll grab one example and show you what I mean, but I'll make you hunt for the rest.

He could've taught me how to play sports and could've taught me how to fish. He could've also given me some advice on girls since I'm struggling with that now but, he's gone. I could list a bunch of other problems I have but, to be honest, it'd take forever.

You can get away with some of those "could" and "could've" 's, but it's a bit of a tongue twister if you're just trying to read it normally. The first sentence is fine, and even the second one reads all right if you switch the "also" to go before "could've", just to break up the cycle of "He could've"'s. Though speaking of the second sentence, the ending is a bit long winded and while not bad, you can make a bigger impact by changing it up slightly to say, " He could've also given me some advice on girls since I'm struggling with that now but he can't. He's gone."
That's more of a style choice, though. But wording does make a very large impact on what you want your reader to get from what you're writing.
And in that last sentence, you can change the "could" to "would" and it would still get the same point across and sound better by itself and with the other sentences.

Tip number 3: Make your stuttering count. If your character is going to stutter because they are upset/crying/blubbering then have it make an impact on the sentence instead of randomly throwing it out there. What words would the character be stuttering at? Just the first words of sentence? Or at other words?
Don't over do it, though. Unless your character has a serious stutter normally, when they are upset, they may only stutter over certain words (actually, on some of this you depicted it fairly well, but the end prayer was a bit less believable in its stutters).

Bonus tip! There is no such word as "layed", it's "laid".


But despite the lack of feedback, I was happy to see you hadn't been discouraged and moved onto writing part 2 (which I will read shortly). Until I see at least a direction you are heading with these mini stories, I'll hold off on critique about whether the stories are going anywhere or not. Or rather, whether they have a driving reason for anyone to read them. I am curious though, what are you planning to do with these short stories? ^_^

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

[snowcatgrlX7]

Okay thanks ^^
I don't know how to reply to people on here though...
But thanks for criticizing the story
And I don't usually proofread my stuff ugh
I should try to do that more often

[mechana2015]

Definitely proof read stories before posting them. If they're short, read them out loud to yourself, you will often correct things when you read aloud automatically.

To reply, hit that quote button in the top right corner, and you'll get the post above your own.