A short story. Tell me what you think.

[Chronicler1701]

This is a short story- under 1,000 words- that I've been working on for the past few days.
The characters are my own creation.
Please, tell me what you think, the good and the bad.
There is a little violence, but nothing extreme.

Here it is:
Rachel's Last

"Oh, I shall take much pleasure in watching your face as she dies," giggled Mr. Potter.

"You hurt one hair on her head, and I swear I will beat you to death! If it's the last thing I ever do, I swear I will kill you!" Kevin hollered. He was chained up to a wall, and the links were too strong, even for him, to break.

"Oh, I should doubt that, my little plaything. I should doubt that quite a lot."

His daughter was bound in the middle of the large room. Her arms were tied above her head, and she was blindfolded. In front of her was a spring-activated firearm, aimed at her heart. Prior to this, she had been beaten severely, which was obvious now. Her clothes were torn and ripped, she had welts and bruises all over, and there was dried blood around her nose and mouth.

"Allow me to explain. Once I depress this spring, three things will happen in series. First, your restraints will be released, affording you a small window of time to get your precious girl out of harm's way, or to try and capture me. Second, her blindfold will be removed and her restraints released, affording her an even smaller window of time to avoid certain death. And finally, the weapon will discharge, sending a ball of lead into her heart, thus ending her meaningless life. Are you ready to watch your daughter die with your own eyes?"

"If you push that, God as my witness, you will never see the light of day again!"

"Ah, if only your god cared a whit about you. Or her." At that, Potter pressed the switch, releasing Kevin, and setting the other two in motion. He ran as fast as he could to his daughter. But he wasn't fast enough.

The bonds holding her hands came down, almost immediately after which there was a deafening bang. She collapsed to the ground, a red stream staining her chest.

Kevin kneeled next to his little girl's pale, weak body and hugged her close, sobbing, "Oh, Rachel, I'm so sorry."

"HA HA!! Priceless!" Mr. Potter chortled.

He turned to leave the room, when Kevin screamed in fury, "You will never leave this room alive!!" He drew one of his swords and threw it at Potter, the thin crystalline blade gliding through the muscle and bone of his upper arm, pinning him to the wall.

Kevin turned back to his beloved daughter. "My little girl!" he wailed.

"D-Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I love you, daddy. And I love Jesus. I'll be okay," Rachel whispered so quietly it barely registered to Kevin. Her last experience on this earth was of her daddy kissing both of her cheeks and her forehead, and answering, "I love you, too."

Kevin spent the next five minutes fulfilling his vow to Mr. Potter.

He came back to his daughter's body, summoned Flood and said, "Take us to Dularis." A moment later, they were in the massive cathedral on the World of Water. "I'll stay here. You go back to Earth and bring my family. We're going to have a traditional funeral. Bring Tamahara first; she needs to prepare Rachel's body."

"Very well. I will be back shortly."

When the Spirit of Water returned, he showed Tamahara in to her grieving husband.

"Do you know how to prepare her?" Kevin asked.

"Yes, I do," she croaked.

"Would you, please?" She nodded her head, too choked with tears to speak. Kevin embraced his stricken wife. "Flood, get the rest of them."

"Yes, sir."

A few minutes later, the Spirit returned with Zipora and her husband Tommy, Gamma and his wife Reah, Shadow and his wife Rebbecca, Alpha and all fifty of their children.

A few hours passed before Tamahara finished preparing her daughter's body. She had removed the clothes she had on, cleaned up the blood, smoothed her bruises, tied her hair back, and put a white linen gown on her.

She called to Kevin, "She's ready."

"Thank you, Tamahara. Are you ready for this?" She nodded again, eyes filling with tears. "Alright."

He picked up his daughter's body, cradling her in his arms, tears falling from his eyes and landing on her arms crossed over her belly. He stood to his feet and proceeded outside, followed by his weeping wife. They walked out of the cathedral and onto the marble patio filled with family and walked down the aisle, approaching the pyre that had been set up for this very purpose.

He laid her body on the pile of wood, and announced to those gathered together, "We are here to share in the loss of this beloved daughter and sister in Christ, Rachel Zoe Light. She was a young lady who was completely devoted to our God and His Word. She prayed every day for hours on end, not stopping until she heard His Voice. She cast out demons, brought unbelievers to salvation, healed the sick, and edified the brethren, all for Him and His Great Kingdom. She lived one of the godliest lives I've ever heard of, and she lost her life because of it. When she first visited Dularis, she said that if she ever died, she would want to be cremated and her ashes placed under a very special tree here, so that," he paused to compose himself, and continued, "so that when she was resurrected at the return of Christ, this would be the first thing she would see. Her last words in this life were 'I love you, daddy. And I love Jesus. I'll be okay.' She wasn't afraid to go home. She was killed for loving God with all of her heart, but her reward in Heaven is great. So, it is with a sweet, sorrowful heart that I say for my wife and I, 'Farewell, Rachel. We will miss you.'"

End

What did you think?

[Yuki-Anne]

I'ma critique this one too because why not.

"Oh, I shall take much pleasure in watching your face as she dies," giggled Mr. Potter.

Okay, so, it took me about half-way through but I realized this is from your other story that you're writing. That being said... you might want to rethink the names of some of your characters. I'd just in general stay away from "Potter" or "Bond" or "Cullen" or anything that has been the surname of an extremely successful franchise. It's very distracting. I'm with you right up until "Mr. Potter" and then suddenly I'm hearing Snape's voice...

"Oh, I should doubt that, my little plaything. I should doubt that quite a lot."

"I should, but... eh, I don't feel like it." I know you're trying to set up a speech pattern for this guy but it, like his name, is distracting.

"If you push that, God as my witness, you will never see the light of day again!"

*cut*

Kevin spent the next five minutes fulfilling his vow to Mr. Potter.

That... that's it? What did he do?! Should I be worried? I can imagine some pretty awful things...
Okay, honestly, with this guy having just killed a little girl, and all we get is, "Yeah, Kevin killed him or maybe blinded him or something," it's SUPER anticlimactic.

A few minutes later, the Spirit returned with Zipora and her husband Tommy, Gamma and his wife Reah, Shadow and his wife Rebbecca, Alpha and all fifty of their children.

So, if I'm getting this right, your team that you introduced in your other thread pretty much pairs off with each other. That's... just kind of cheesy. Does no one else in the world exist that this group just pairs off with each other? Is there no Forever Alone guy? How long has it been since the start of your story? Also, I know this is meant to stand alone as a short story but... it doesn't. It helps to know the background of the story you're writing. Otherwise the sudden transporting to other words and random lists of names of people who've paired off with each other and apparently breeded like field mice just comes out of the blue... how does anybody keep track of fifty children? Holy crap. Make the story about that mother, she's the REAL super hero here.

What did you think?

In terms of being part of your story: what year is this now? How old is Kevin? How have his powers developed in the interim? Where is his wife right now? How did he and his daughter fall into the hands of this villainous mastermind? What happened to Harry to make him turn into a villainous mastermind?

So many questions.

In terms of this being a short story: It doesn't work. Nobody really wants to read a short story about a little girl being brutally murdered. What really works in a short story is when we get to know and care about a character in a short space of time. Ripping a tragic scene like this out of a larger story doesn't work in terms of a short story.

You know what would be a good exercise for turning a piece of your larger story into a short story? Do a short little character piece on one of your minor characters. Have them encounter a situation unrelated to your overarching plot. Think about how they react, what they think, how this small event informs their personality.

[Chronicler1701]

Thanks for the info. I'll try that.

[ClaecElric4God]

"Oh, I shall take much pleasure in watching your face as she dies," giggled Mr. Potter.

Okay, so, it took me about half-way through but I realized this is from your other story that you're writing. That being said... you might want to rethink the names of some of your characters. I'd just in general stay away from "Potter" or "Bond" or "Cullen" or anything that has been the surname of an extremely successful franchise. It's very distracting. I'm with you right up until "Mr. Potter" and then suddenly I'm hearing Snape's voice...

lol, I actually thought of Lionel Barrymore, and pictured the villain as a warped, frustrated old man.

But yes, I'd have to agree largely with Yuki. Admittedly, I did the same thing, as far as taking a snippet out of my larger project and making it into a short story. But I treated it as it's own story, introduced the characters at the start, tried to familiarize my readers with the situation, etc. You can't just take a part out of your story, throw it out there, and have people read it. There's lots of confusing stuff, no description (when I read it I see a bunch of faceless, vaguely outlined figures surrounded by fog), and no explanation for things. I'm assuming at least some of that is stuff that we would have learned earlier in the story. But that doesn't work as a stand-alone short story. It should be completely independent, so that someone can read it without ever reading or knowing about your other story, and not be confused at all. Reading isn't enjoyable when you don't know what's going on.

[K. Ayato]

You've got a LOT of work to do, pal. I agree with Yuki's suggestion: Take your characters and make a short, independent vignette on each of them (or at least the ones whom your story involves the most). These vignettes may or may not have a significant part in your overall plot, but they'll give you (and us if you choose to share a few) a better grasp of who your characters are, where they come from, how they view the world, and how they interact with each other.

I myself have had for quite some time a story idea in a fantasy-type realm with a team of 5 characters. While I've not shared them here, I have sketched out in a notebook my ideas of who they are, and also a bit about their races (one of the five being human, the others humanoid). The info can be as basic or specific as you want it. For me, my character sheets included height, hair and eye color, age (or what age they appear to be), and a short paragraph on their personalities. It wouldn't hurt for you to do the same and thus keep your plot and characters involved more streamlined instead of appearing to just pop out of nowhere with no logical explanation in your narrative.

[Chronicler1701]

I'll try that, Ayato. Thanks for the tip.

[Davidizer13]

So right now, I've only skimmed through your other stories, and this is the first one I've read all the way through seriously. I'm seeing the same issue in every one: you lack an economy of words, using too many and too long when shorter and less is more appropriate. Descriptions of settings or an inner monologue? Sure, stretch it out. A speech given under duress or a description of an action scene? Make it smaller.

Your story also has a weird structure to it, with the climactic scene coming in the middle. The emotional payoff that takes up the second half, as good as it is, feels like it was tacked on in comparison, and it's all disjointed. Overall it reads like this "short story" was chopped out of a larger narrative, instead of being its own, self-contained complete work with a satisfying beginning, middle and end. Having a bunch of characters we were never previously introduced to show up at the funeral just to look sad supports my suspicions that this wasn't originally its own work.

The best short stories I've read are by Edgar Allan Poe. With just one to three characters in each, he was able to build a highly emotional plot between them, ramp up the tension and atmosphere, and eventually come to a solid, if twisted, conclusion. You'd do well to learn from a master of the craft, because in a short story, less is most definitely more.

[K. Ayato]

Read the Sherlock Holmes short stories as well by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.