Sentres: the Time Enforcer series

[Red_web_city]

Tough critism and advice please. Heres the link, feel free to ask any questions on it. Thanks
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s279//sh ... eb0e4075df

[mechana2015]

This is the second time you've multi posted a thread. Next time it happens both are being deleted.

[Red_web_city]

I've only pressed "submit" once maybe somethings wrong with your site, you should check it out

[mechana2015]

Yeah... you're the only person having this problem.

[Red_web_city]

Perhaps it's because I am using a touchscreen, and not a keyboard. Otherwise if I knew I had double posted a thread I would erase it. So whether it happens again or not If I never had a "problem" before than it is not an error on my part since I've been posting threads without an error in my past posts. If you don't like it maybe you should be more patient instead of making warning to delete both posts which is something Jesus would'nt of done.

[mechana2015]

When users repeatedly multipost threads it is standard policy to inform them it is unacceptable by forum rules, due to it clogging up the site, and being symptomatic of spamming for attention. As this problem seems to be only affecting your device, I would suggest checking for replicated postings as soon as you put a thread up then. If anything comes up from PHPBB to correct this we will integrate it as soon as we are made aware of a fix. If you wish to further challenge me on this take it to PM.

[Red_web_city]

Ok

[Davidizer13]

This isn't really a story, it's more like a pitch than anything - just an infodump and guy standing in one place and spouting the same things we were just told, only this time in overly wordy airy-fairy exposition. Also, with a power that's basically "I can do anything with time lol," you'd better have an interesting plotline to match, some sort of challenge that will actually serve as an obstacle to overcome rather than something the hero can just step over. Maybe the villain can be someone who can do the same sorts of things? It worked for Superman. (Edit - I just remembered - for a character that uses time manipulation in really fun ways, go watch Madoka if you haven't already. It's pretty sweet.)

Also, learn grammar and usage, punctuation and all that. Know where your apostrophes are supposed to go, dang it. Pick a verb tense and stick with it - the past tense is probably your best bet, because you're no Cormac McCarthy, trust me. And quit getting holier-than-thou when someone calls you out for a mistake. Ain't nothing to get all worked up about.

[Red_web_city]

Ok, added more to story so thanks for honesty, not holier just holy

[Davidizer13]

Oh! You wanted honesty, did you?

Are you sitting down?

Honestly, so far, your stories so far have been crap. All of them. Plot, characters, mechanics, the crackpot theology you try to squish in there. All of it. None of it is pretty and all of it needs to go bye bye. You waste whatever potential you've put into the setting, burying it in plot holes and obtuse, incomprehensible prose. Any reader of any taste would stop reading in the first few lines.

Speaking of which, what have you been reading lately? I don't think you have - your stories don't resemble anything I've ever read, and that's not a good thing. Being unique is not a benefit when it detracts from readability.

My advice to you would be to toss away everything you've written so far, except for maaaaaaaaaaaaybe that Red Web thing, but you need to completely gut and revamp if you're going to have any hope of taking it anywhere. Stop writing for a few months and start reading - go to your library and ask the librarians for some of their favorite books, fiction, non-fiction, new, classics, whatever, hunt them down and read them. Pick up some guides for style, usage and grammar while you're at it. Learn what good writing looks like from them. Then, and only then, start writing again. Stick with regular novel style, don't try to write scripts or anything until you understand what works in writing and what doesn't. Get other people to read it and tear it apart for a while, then rewrite like your life depends on it. Do a few rewrite cycles until you're happy with it, and THEN do serious publishing stuff with your story. If they like it, they'll likely ask you to do some more rewrites with advice their professional editors, who will know their stuff. Listen to them when the time comes.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Burn it all and start reading instead of writing for a while.

[Red_web_city]

Ok I touched up Sentres, any questions?

[Ally-Ann]

I myself am still learning how to write quality fiction, so naturally, I'm not the best (or harshest) critic out there; however, I've noticed that you seem to be good friends with the word "appear/appeared". I counted the number of times you used that word, and the number came out to be 30 times. For an intro and chapter that collectively make up only 2,020 words, using the same verb 30 times makes the fiction sound sloppy, lazy, and redundant. Also, your punctuation still needs a lot of work.

Something else that ticked me off throughout the story was the repetitive, "What looked like/What sounded like/What appeared to be". You used it waaay too often, and it got annoying really fast. So stop using "what ____ed like/to be". Please.

The structure of your dialogue needs to be fixed. And by the structure, I mean you to start a new paragraph every time someone else begins speaking. Here's an example:

After skipping down the sidewalk, Mary abruptly came to a stop upon seeing her best friend, Sue. "Hello!" The former greeted, waving her hand as she grinned. Sue, who had been jump-roping paused her game, giggling as she waved back.

"Hi!" She replied as she dropped her rope to hug Mary. Said girl hugged right back before pulling away.

"I came over to ask you something."

"What's that?"

"Since it's Friday, I was thinking we could have a sleepover. What do you think?" Mary proposed. "I've got snacks and a movie and everything." Sue's eyes lit up as she nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, that sounds awesome! I'll grab my sleeping bag and pajamas!"

See? Every time the dialogue was switched to the other girl, I started a different paragraph. When doing this, you also don't have to tack on, "she said/replied/asked/etc" every time new dialogue is written... And by starting a new paragraph every time someone different speaks, the chapter doesn't look as... wordy. I mean, it's wordy anyway because of your lack of writing skills, but starting new paragraphs after 6-8 compound sentences is easier on the eyes, and it's less confusing.

Your plot is... Well, it's not put together very well. I don't know how to explain this too accurately, but bear with me.
You just took what should be some of the major events of a plot and squeezed them into a 2,020 word chapter. You really shouldn't do that. You know why? Because it shows laziness and it's boring. You should let your readers glide into the plot smoothly, stretching the events out through at least a few chapters. Not just, "Intro, first chapter--BAM, HERE'S HALF THE PLOT".


This story feels rushed, yet too wordy and redundant at the same time. It's weird.

[Davidizer13]

any questions?

What have you been reading lately?

Not anybody's suggestions, that's for sure.You haven't read a word I've said. You didn't "touch up" your story, you just added more words to it. The least you could do is stick some paragraph breaks in your dialogue. And for goodness' sake, know how to use "appeared," "as if," "what looks like," etc. You use them in nearly every sentence and misuse it almost as often. Ask yourself: Does something happen, or does it only look like it happened?

To the plot. Some angel beats up a demon as kids and a junkie look on, has a heart-to-God talk about nothing in particular, goes back to his Power Rangers base to recruit teenagers with attitude, makes kissy-faces at his angel princess girlfriend, and then puts on a magic beanie that hauls him off to a place called Shells to find a guy who stomps on dragons. That's your story.

What didn't you understand about "burn it all and start reading for a while?" Delete your story. Go to a library and find some good books. Read said good books for a while. Learn grammar and spelling. Pick one of your story ideas and stick with that one, and that one alone. Write it. Then rewrite it like a maniac. Get your friends to help. KEEP REWRITING. This sounds suspiciously like work, but that's what you need to do to be a good writer.

[Red_web_city]

It appears you don't like my as ifs or what looked likes so I will take that into consideration since I am a novice writer. Thanks for the advice, and I will be laughing when its all done. Keep reading.

[Lynna]

It appears you don't like my as ifs or what looked likes so I will take that into consideration since I am a novice writer. Thanks for the advice, and I will be laughing when its all done. Keep reading.

Umm, are you listening to what Davidizer is saying? If so, I think it's only polite to respond to the main point of what he was trying to tell you, which is to read more, which is really, really important. If you don't answer his questions, he is not going to critique for you again.
Also "I will be laughing when it is all done"? Do you know what "Done" is when it comes to writing? I'm sorry, but I don't think you seem to. Let me explain:
When I was a kid, I wrote two books. Both took me around half a year, but were not even half the standard length for a novel, and I would not want anyone see them today. Then, I came across an idea I was really serious about, and it has taken me five years to finish writing and developing. And you know what? Even though I've reached the technical ending, I'm still working at it. I have no idea how long I'll be working at it, but I know I still have a long ways to go. Even after all my hard work, I am still not "done". That will be when my book as been thoroughly wrung with criticism, rewritten and revised countless times, and finally, published. Only then will it be "done".
Writing is not easy. Writing is mental blood, sweat, and tears. It's something people devote a good portion of their lives to mastering. It's really not something to take lightly.

I also would like to say that it will take you far longer than I've had to to make your book good if you do not read. You are trying to build a cathedral without having ever seen one.

[Red_web_city]

Very deep lynna, thank you very much and will keep this in mind.

[Ante Bellum]

I don't think you will. Know why?
It's because you've been saying that over and over, without so much of an intelligent thought in your response. Have you even read their posts? Or are you just saying something to make it seem that way? Same as I did when you first posted, they're taking time - lots of time - out of their day just to try to help you, and all you do is make excuses and refuse to acknowledge the many, many excellent points they've made.
If that's how you handle critique (and let's not get into how you responded to mine), then you absolutely will never be published.

[Davidizer13]

Cool it, Ante. Red's been quietly rewriting his other story - as scripts go, it's not The Wire or anything, but at least now you can follow the plot and actually understand what's going on, unlike the first few drafts; it's going from having to fix mechanical issues to issues with plot and characterization. Small victories here.

[Red_web_city]

Yes lynna I've skimmed through it but know more or less what point you're trying to make about it. So Thanks David glad to see you've been checking out my updates on it. I've been toggling between three stories so please cut me some slack here. I've just been connecting two of them to Red web city while Sentres: Time Enforcer A.D. is totally out of this world. I've also been inspired much lately, and will know this whole concept of the Christian faith & Anime has an open door to reach a young crowd who are fans of demonic "heroes" like "Inuyasha & Naruto", even though I once enjoyed viewing I was shown the convicting sin of giving glory to the "blue eyes white dragon" or any dragons in movies, anime, etc

[Davidizer13]

I'm not done with you yet. Not by a longshot - you've got about all the slack I'm willing to give you. Pick one story and stick with it for now. File that one (and that one only) down to a fine point - plot, formatting, everything; do a few rounds of complete revisions with some sort of peer review/outside criticism. Then and only then, move on to the next. And so on, and so forth.

But before you go do any of that, GO READ A BOOK! You want some good Christian fiction classics to work from? Read Victor Hugo. Fyodor Dostoyevsky. The Divine Comedy. Paradise Lost. St. Augustine's confessions aren't fiction, but it's still got a narrative. You've gotten a million suggestions from me, but that's because you've got a lot of catching up to do. Hop to it already.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

you'd better have an interesting plotline to match, some sort of challenge that will actually serve as an obstacle to overcome rather than something the hero can just step over

Here's an obstacle the time traveling protagonist can have to deal with: his inability to time travel.

His fourth power upon his frontal lobe is time bending, and he can travel at any point of time as long as he respects, and does'nt make an attempt to interfere with past or future events.

See this makes no logical sense. If he travels to another point in time he has already interfered with past or future events. His presence alone has changed history. So he can't time travel!

And what is stopping him from traveling through time and then choosing to interfere with past or future events? Or is he magically unable to once after he travels through time? But since his presence changes history anyway that means he can't time travel in the first place.

[Ante Bellum]

And without meaning to, MSP has described why I won't touch time travel.

[Red_web_city]

Ok smarty pants if you've read it from start you'd see he was assigned a planet to protect it therefore since he has an authority over him then he is unable to go against what he isf forbidden to do

[Davidizer13]

I think what MSP's saying is that the fact that your character can travel through time, and the condition that he is forbidden from changing events are logically inconsistent. The act of touching a timeline changes it, in and of itself, and since Sentres is forbidden to change events, he can not logically travel through time. What if your character has a physical body? When he enters a timeline, he's going to displace a certain amount of air as he moves around, and that could have effects on weather through the butterfly effect. If someone sees him, that person's neurons will change in response to the stimuli, different reactions and growth patterns will occur, and therefore the timeline will be changed.

But let's get out of the small-scale, laws of nature stuff, because I know what you probably meant by "not changing things." Even so, time travel's going to have its own set of effects on those events.

Let me give an example. Tomorrow, I know that someone is going to be crushed by a falling piano on Main Street. I find the man's phone number, call him up and say, "Stay away from Main Street today." (That call is a change in the timeline itself, because I wouldn't have made it had I not known what was going to happen, but we'll just ignore it for the sake of argument.) One of two things can happen: either he heeds my warning, or he doesn't. If he stays home that day, then I have changed the timeline, and by your rules, this is forbidden. If he still goes to Main Street and gets splattered, however, who's to say I wasn't the one who planted the idea in his head to go there with my call? In that case, I have added something to the timeline that wasn't there before. Through that action, I modified whatever timeline I was in before I received knowledge of a possible future by using that knowledge, and I have turned it into the one I envisioned. This is a change in the timeline and is likewise forbidden by the conditions you've placed on your character.

So, basically, if you're going to have a hero who travels through time without changing it, they're just going to sit and watch whatever event unfold in front of them. This might make for an interesting story, about someone forced to wander through time as an observer without being able to change it - it'd probably be something introspective, emotional, tragic, but it's certainly not the WOW COOL AWESOME BUY OUR ACTION FIGURES adventure you're trying to create.

Isn't time travel fun?

[Red_web_city]

wow made me chuckle and I understand what you mean. Deep thought with the changing air molecules but his presence within a realm when he bends time is discreet because "if" he has to bend back few minutes to witness a crime scene to see the suspects face then he can't interfere therefore his presence would'nt be felt which some may say it does'nt make sense because every spirit has a presence but his is only sensed in Euroa not other worlds. Do you get it? If you read it you'll see he also has power over opening portals, and casting out spirits in any realm. Yes children would love a Sentres action figure, especially when one can have a helmet that lights up in four different colors with 4 buttons. When they hit the green they can play with him faster. Use your imagination

[Red_web_city]

Also the helmet will be a blast to play with when kids put it on, and pretend to be Sentres. I don't want to get ahead of myself so If this never lifts off the ground I won't bother investing any time on it but feel free to bud in since Christ is the reason we're all here, Right?

[Davidizer13]

I didn't understand a word you said, but that's all right, seeing as you haven't understand a word I've said.

[Red_web_city]

I understood clearly, you're saying that it would be impossible for Sentres to have traveled tbrough time if his presence would of caused a change in air molecules, brain chemistry,etc. He does'nt have a physical body but he can travel in any realm if needed spiritually. The only physical changes is when he can stop time to open a portal to keep anyone from seeing the portal or notice the change when it comes to removing evil spirits or miracles. Let us be reminded this is an unseen war, and Sentres is trying to keep the blameless from seeing the depths of it

[Davidizer13]

I gotta ask you something: You're pretty keen on getting all this work published, right? Have you sent it to any publishers, editors, agents, anyone like that? Why are you so insistent on posting it all here when you could be pushing it towards your goal of doing this professionally? I mean, I sound like I know what I'm talking about, but in reality I'm just some dude who pokes at rocks all day; reading and writing's just a hobby to me, it's not my job like it would be for an editor, and I don't think anyone around here is involved in professional writing either. Have a chat with someone who does this for a living and see what they say about your stories.

[Red_web_city]

Pokes at rocks all day wow, ok well you've certaintly edified me so ty for your time. Great advice