The Pit

[Azier the Swordsman]

(1)

Once upon a time, there was a young man trying to climb out of a deep pit. The pit stretched up from the very bottom of the earth. How far up it went, the young man did not know. Nor did he remember how long he'd been climbing or how far he had come up from the bottom. All he knew was that he had been down here a very long time. He had been down here long before he had even realized he was down here.
As far up as he could see, there was only darkness. There was no sign of light. Every muscle in his body screamed for relief, but there would be no rest for them. He dared not let go, because to let go was certain death. Sometimes, though, he felt that death might be preferable.
There was no sign of an escape ahead. He didn't know that he wouldn't be climbing forever. He often felt that he might be. The thought was terrifying. He wouldn't be able to hold on forever. At some point his body would give out. He couldn't believe he'd even held on this long. He didn't know how much longer he could go on.

Christian walked at a steady, determined pace. The sounds of the big city enveloped him. If you saw him, you would immediately perceive a young man with a purpose. Head held high, walking resolutely on a certain mission. Except he wasn't. He wasn't really going anywhere. He was walking, but he had no destination. His face held a look of quiet calm, but that wasn't the way he felt on the inside.
Christian was a young man who had no purpose in life. He once thought he did. But none of his dreams had ever panned out in life. Not that he had ever really known what he wanted to do with his life, anyways.
During most of his teenage years he thought he did, all the way up to graduating high school. When it had come time to "make it happen", though, he had found that he really wasn't all that passionate about it like he thought he was. So, the only thing that might have given his life purpose was now gone. Indeed, it had never really been there, and now he wandered the avenues of life once again, no destination, no purpose.
He wasn't happy with his life now, but he felt powerless to do anything about it. He had never really been happy with his life. Even if he found something to aspire to, he had no self-confidence. He didn't feel like he could do anything. Sometimes he felt less than human. Defective. Never capable of being as good at anything as anyone else.
He didn't have any friends, and he didn't make friends easily. His family barely knew he existed or what he really felt like on the inside. Sometimes, he felt maybe it would have been better if he had never been born. Maybe he would have been better off to have never existed rather than having to live forever afflicted with this great emptiness on the inside.

[Azier the Swordsman]

(2)

He could see a sliver of light up ahead in the tunnel. A feeling of excitement welled up in his heart like he'd never before felt in the time he'd been down here. For the first time, he felt a hope of escape. He might not have to be down here forever after all! With renewed vigor, he began to climb faster.

He couldn't say exactly where the idea of becoming an actor had come from. It certainly wasn't something he would have ever thought someone like him capable of doing. It was just one of those random thoughts that occurred in his head one day, that he began thinking about more and more, until thoughts turned into desires, desires turned into goals, and goals turned into plans.
But who was he kidding? It was something you had to be born into. He had no training. No talent. No good looks. He was too insecure to even think of chasing goals so far beyond his abilities.
But he fantasized about it more and more. What would it be like to be a celebrity? Money and fame and power and respect could be all his. An acting career might be something he could do that he would be proud of.
He knew that he should have just let it die like the fantasy it was, but he got on the internet one night and began searching for information about the industry. Twenty minutes later, he found himself ordering an 'Acting Career Course' on CD-ROM.
He spent his days browsing through various websites on the acting industry and going through his course steadily every day. As time went on, he began to convince himself that maybe acting WAS something that he was capable of doing.
He found a local acting school and signed up for classes. If he was being honest with himself, he might not have tried to pursue something so idealistic and stupid. But he did not want to give heed to the thoughts in the back of his mind and admit what he was really feeling:
'Maybe if I make it big, get all the way to the top, people will finally love me for who I am and I won't feel so lonely anymore...'

[Azier the Swordsman]

(3)

He was getting scared again. He had been climbing for some time, yet the light didn't seem to be any closer than it had when he'd first seen it. He'd expected the opening to start getting steadily larger as he kept climbing, but it still seemed so far off. It struck him: what if it was only an illusion? What if he kept climbing forever and it never got bigger?
No, it must get bigger! He had to keep pressing on! His imagination was just running away with him. The exit was still a long ways off. As long as he pressed on diligently, it would get closer. He prayed it would.

The acting classes didn't go bad. But Christian was still highly critical of himself. Everyone told him he was good and praised his performances, but despite this, he still never felt he was quite good enough.
Memorizing lines proved to be an issue. The bigger problem, of course, was that he was very shy and insecure. He wasn't used to being around other people. Being social and outgoing didn't feel natural to him. Standing in front of crowds brought too much of a paralyzing fear for him to be able to perform to his fullest.
The business aspect of it also scared him. He would be basically running his own business. He didn't have any sort of natural business sense.
He would be better off with an agent. Or a manger. Or maybe both. But finding representation was near impossible for someone who hadn't already established themselves in some way.
Plus, that would mean more people judging his performances. Deciding whether or not he was 'good enough' to deserve representation.
Of course, he was going to have to be judged on his performances anyways. You didn't get roles in films or plays by simply wanting them and showing up.
In order to make his dream happen, he was going to have to come out of his shell and start doing all sorts of new things outside his comfort zone.
He didn't know what the heck was wrong with him. He had no self-esteem. He didn't look good enough. This whole thing was so much bigger than him. People would be judging everything about him as he tried to put himself out there. What if he was mediocre, or just not good? What if his dream was nothing more than a flight of fantasy? What if he didn't make any headway at all, and turned out disappointed?
He thought he should just quit. He was kidding himself if he thought he could make it very far, after all...

[Azier the Swordsman]

(4)

A horrible stench of death assaulted the young man's senses. It caused him to momentarily stop and glance all around him, but he couldn't locate a source. Nothing but a solid circle of craggy wall surrounded him. There was no open space for anything dead to be.
The smell made him want to vomit. There was also a distinct touch of sulfur. It caused him to nearly let go and go tumbling down. But he held on with dear life as he willed himself to control his stomach. The smell did not dissipate as he continued to climb, but he found himself being able to bear it a little better as he got used to it. Not much, but a little better.
He nearly let go again in surprise when a voice whispered into his ear:

"Enlighten a curious soul. From whence do you come, and where are you going?"

The young man whipped his head all around, but saw no one. Could this voice be the source of that horrible stench?

"W... who are you? Where are you? What are you?"

"Only one who is piqued by an insatiable curiosity. A traveler, like yourself. That is all you need to understand. Now, my question?"

"Why can't I see you? What is that horrible stench?"

"Mind you not that. It is not of a worthwhile manner to be discussed at this time. Now please, my question."

The voice sounded sweet and soothing, but he also felt there was something slightly off about it he couldn't put his finger on. He was incredibly unnerved at the prospect that he was not down here alone, but with something else that he couldn't see and smelled like death. He swallowed, and choked up an answer to the disembodied voice's question:

"I... I've been down in this pit for a very long time. I'm trying to reach the top so I can escape."

"And what is it at the top that attracts you so much, might I ask?"

If he could have seen it, he might have looked at the entity incredulously.

"Freedom. I'm in the middle of a dark pit. I'm exhausted from all this climbing, but I can't rest or I will fall down and die. I want to take a break, but I can't stop until I reach the top. I'm sick of being surrounded by this darkness. I've been down in this pit for a very long time. I want to taste the sunlight again. I haven't even talked to another human being in months. I want to make it to the top so I can be free."

"And you think, it is at the top, that you will find this freedom?"

"How could I not? There is only darkness and despair down here. I'm miserable. If I could just reach the top, I would not have to face this incredible weariness anymore."

"Tell me. How is it you came to be down here in the first place?"

The young man's face turned into a grimace.

"Other people put me down here."

"And these other people, they are at the top, too?"

"I dunno. I guess."

"And you feel that if you make it to the top, you will find freedom, even if they are up there waiting to put you back down again?"

"I have no choice." The young man said.

"The only other choice is death. When I make it to the top, they will never do it to me again."

"Vengeance?" the voice asked.

"Making it to the top will be vengeance enough."

"Supposing they cast you down into the pit again?"

"They will never do it again. I only came to be down here because I was weak. I let my guard down. I will never allow myself to be that weak ever again."

"And so, having now become stronger and wiser, you will be able to find the freedom you seek, up top?"

"I think so."

"You do not seem so sure of yourself."

"I have to. Up top is all there is. If I have to be in this pit forever, I will go insane. Life will not be worth living if this is all there is."

"It is still such a long way to the top, though. And you are looking rather weary. Who's to say you won't make it to the top, crawl out, and simply keel over dead from the fatigue? Or perhaps, you make it near the top, suddenly slip, and everything's all for naught?"

"Again, do I have a choice?" The young man said.

"Well, you DO have a choice." The voice said.

"You could just let go. I mean, if you end it all now, you would never have to struggle again. No more pain. No more feeling."

"I am not so hopeless I would do that."

"Oh, no? You are certain of this?"

"There must be happiness at the top. I cannot give up as long as there is hope."

"Tell me, is there truly any happiness to be found in the world?"

"I was happy when I was a kid."

"Were you, now?"

"I was. I never had anything to worry about when I was a kid. I was free. Life still held beauty. I know this beauty still exists in life. I must find it."

"And when was it that you lost this beauty?"

"I don't wish to talk about that."

"Talking is good for the soul. And I know a great many things about souls."

"It just doesn't bring back good memories for me."

"I have the ability to look back through memories. Even take you back to them, if you wish."

"I have no memories that I wish to be taken back to. The past is the past."

"Those who do not constantly review history are doomed to repeat it. You should revisit the past. Learn what you can. Shall I take us to the past? Let us see if you were truly happy when you were a child."

The young man frowned.

"Do whatever you wish. I have no desire to continue this conversation. I'm going to the top, and that's that."

"I'm just trying to help you make an informed decision, that's all."

The young man gasped as everything started to get very hazy, and it seemed the pit around him was beginning to slowly fade out. Before he realized it, he was now in a different place in a different time reliving a scene that he would have rather never experienced again.

Things were not going so well for Christian. He really wanted to pursue his acting dream to the fullest, but he also had to eat and pay bills. He was trapped by the necessity of having an actual job while trying to make his dream come true.
He had gone to multiple auditions, but had not received any callbacks yet. He couldn't even make a lot of auditions due to his inflexible job. He was looking for something better, but he also knew that if something didn't come through soon, he would end up having to look for a second job to supplement his income.
He was starting to feel trapped. He sometimes longed for the days when he had been a kid. He had felt much freer then...

[Azier the Swordsman]

(5)

Everything in the vision was a haze. A heavy fog shrouded everything in sight except for the immediate important aspects of the vision, which were clear and completely visible.
Off in the distance, a group of kids were playing a game with each other. There was another kid who was standing some distance away. He had been watching them for quite some time. He desperately wanted to go over and join them, but was too shy. But he saw how happy they were and how much fun they were having, and eventually he gathered up his courage and cautiously walked over.
They didn't really pay him much attention, and continued to play their game, ignoring him. He got right in the middle of them and tried to more forcibly get noticed and take part, but they still continued to ignore him the best they could until finally one of the boys had had enough and started questioning him what he was doing there.
The young boy who had tried to join in stood meekly, saying that they looked like they were having fun and he was just wondering if he could join them. The other kid laughed and asked why they should let him have anything to do with them. One by one, the other kids began to join in, and started jeering at and mocking him.
The boy tried to hold his composure, but it was quite obvious he was humiliated on the inside. After awhile, the kids laughed and walked off, taking their game someplace else.
The boy stood there looking at the ground for awhile, then began tearing up. He sat down on the ground and started sobbing. He didn't understand it. Why did they treat him like that? All he had wanted was to make friends. The vision focused on him crying for a few more minutes before it slowly began to faze out...

Christian was in the bookstore browsing through some acting books. He didn't have that much extra money, but the bookstore had a far better selection than the library and he considered "furthering his education" as a "necessary" budgetary item.
When he turned the corner in the bookstore and nearly ran straight into his childhood ex-best friend, his heart skipped several beats. What ensued was one of the more awkward conversations in Christian's life.
Ever have one of those moments when you run into someone from your past and there is a lot of unresolved tension between you two? Where both of you are trying to be cordial to each other, but there is a whole other unspoken conversation taking place behind the physical one? Where there are so many things that desperately want to be said, but neither of you really want to say them, and you both just wish you could find a good excuse to get the heck away from each other? However, though, under of the guise of being polite, you both stick around for awhile and continue to make each other uncomfortable, anyways?
Indeed, there were a lot of unanswered questions on the tip of Christian's tongue. It also seemed obvious that Ray didn't want to have to answer any of these questions.

'Why did you stop having anything to do with me?'

'Why did you start going completely out of your way to avoid ever seeing me again?'

'What was it I did wrong that turned you so against me?'

'Why did you turn all the others against me?'

'What was it you said about me to everyone that made them hate me so much?'

These are the questions Christian wanted to ask but didn't. And so, they continued to hang in the air, unanswered. And Christian and Ray continued feigning being polite to each other for awhile until they somehow found their way around to an excuse to get away from each other.
The meeting put Christian in a bad mood for the rest of the day. To a great extent, he still resented Ray. He blamed him for a great deal of the loneliness in his life. If it wasn't for him...
But there was no point in reliving the past. He had decided long ago that the past was not worth giving heed to. There was nothing in the past that held any intrinsic value for his life. There was only the present. And the future.
Still, the meeting continued to linger at the forefront of his mind, and he did find himself thinking about the past, not just about Ray but about all the other people that had wronged him...

[Azier the Swordsman]

The above chapters are excerpted from my e-book, The Pit, on sale at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/85907

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