Salvation

[samurai10]

k, here's my story. i haven't gotten very good CC on this chapter tho...

Chapter 1
"Ugh. Here comes Aden again."
Fran looked down the walkway to where her boyfriend Aden was running towards her. She sighed. "I really need to think of a reason to break up with that idiot. He is so annoying. But I hate hurting people's feelings. But he is so annoying." She sighed again. "Maybe I'll dump him for a stupid reason. But...."
It was nearing the end of Fran's fourth year of college. She was dating a guy named Aden. She had no idea why she was dating him, since she disliked him so much. She guessed that it was because he was so handsome and she had been an idiot and agreed to be his girlfriend. But boy, was that a big mistake.....
She now hated everything about him. His handsomeness, his pleasantness, his eagerness to please her, his clothes, his smell, his personality, everything she could think of.
"Hi sweety," he said, flashing a smile that she used to think was pleasant, but she now hated it.
"Hey Aden. What's up?"she said, immediately regretting it. "Great, now he's going to tell me his whole life story." She sighed. "O well, I'll just have to get used to it.
"Well, my English professor finally...."he started. Fran looked at the sky, as if asking for patience, then settled herself down to listen to him. She had a thought come to her. "I will dump him, for a really stupid reason. I'll say that because he doesn't like bacon, I don't like him and I'm dumping him because of that. Why did I not think of this before? Of course, his painful expression will touch my womanly heart, but still, he's so annoying I will and must do this."
"Aden," she said, stopping him mid-sentence.
"Yes?"
"I'm breaking up with you."
"What? Why?"
"Because you don't like bacon."
"What?"
"I love bacon and you don't. We also have many other differences that interfere with our relationship. So, I'm breaking up with you. See you later, you loser." And with that she walked away.
Aden stared disbelievingly at Fran walking away. Then he said to himself, "Oh, so you think you're too good for me? You will regret this dicision, Fran." Then he walked away himself.

Three years later.

Fran looked in the mirror, making sure that she looked calm and that she looked good. In twenty minutes, she would be at her church, getting out and getting married to a perfect person. A thought of Aden came into her mind, but she quickly pushed it away. "Time to get this show on the road."

Two years ago, she had broken up with Aden for a stupid reason externally, but internally, she just really didn't like him. Some weeks later, she had gotten another boyfriend name Aaron. He was perfect in every way that she had hated Aden. Except the fact that he was also eager to please her, but, that was beside the point. But Aden, that moron, had tried everything in his power to make them break up. He had almost succeeded, but then Fran found out what he had done and immediately patched things up. Aden had not been very happy about her finding out, especially since she had yelled at him, but what could be done about it? Oh well. After two and a half years of dating Aaron, and trying not to break up with him because of her moronic ex, Aaron had proposed to her. She of course, had accepted, and six months later, it was her wedding day.

Twenty minutes later.

Fran was about to walk down the aisle. Her spirit was soaring. She was going to get married to the love of her life, and hopefully they wouldn't divorce ever. She was in a highly good mood, before she and her father suddenly got soaked in a red sugary liquid, later identified as fruit punch, coming from the choir loft. She was astonished and immediately looked up to see who had done this. She didn't see anybody, so she thought it was a rude prank if it was. Then, Aden's voice suddenly rang out.
"Frances."
She froze. She turned around. "A-aden? What are you doing here? Are you the one who ruined my dress? What's wrong with you? GO AWAY!" she suddenly shouted. "You've tried to ruin Aaron and my relationship countless times, and now, you're ruining my wedding? I seriously wish that I never met you." She turned around to face the altar again, and started walking.
"Frances, do you really want to marry Aaron?"
She turned around again. "What kind of a question is that? Of course I want to marry Aaron. Now go away." She turned around again.
"Frances, don't say I didn't warn you okay? If you really want to marry Aaron, and continue down that aisle, and say your vows, you will be cursed. None of your children will live to see their twenty-fifth birthday. And when your first child dies, the next two will follow in less than a month. Are you sure you want to have to live with my curse?"
"Baloney. You're lying. Nobody can place a curse on anybody. Now go away. You've ruined my wedding day enough."
"Okay then. You don't believe me. But you'll believe me when all your children die." With that, he turned around and left.
Fran sighed. Her ex-boyfriend was a moron and insane. And he had just ruined her dress! When she realized that, she was in a really bad mood. "Okay people. Let's pretend that didn't happen."
"But your dress...."
"I don't care okay? Just get on with it!"she almost shouted.

One year later

Fran looked at her baby. She sighed. Having a baby was really alot of work!

A year ago, she had gotten married to the love of her life. Their marriage was still pretty good, and they rarely got into any serious fights. Though that Aden had ruined her wedding dress and made it pink with punch instead of white. That darned brat, he would pay...

Her thought wandered over to the words he had said to her on her wedding day. His supposed "curse." She really didn't believe that he would actually curse her, or that it was possible to curse anybody, but there was still that chance...

"No, shake it off, girl. There is no possible way that that idiot could actually curse anybody. Just get on with your work, girl," she said to herself. At that point, her baby started crying, and she forgot what she had been thinking about.

Twenty-two years later

Josh was about to get in his friend's car to go to the airport when his cell suddenly rang.

"Mashi mashi?"

"Josh, you are getting way too interested in Japan. Drop the Japanese," said his mom.

"Sorry Mom."

"Well, anyway, just be careful ok? There's been alot of car accidents lately, and I don't want you in one."

"Yeah yeah." He thought to himself, The older I get, the more worried she becomes about my safety. I mean, it's really annoying, she has got to have some reason for worrying about me. Whatever. If I don't get started now, I'll miss my plane.

"So, just be careful, and don't get in an accident. Maybe you should miss the plane and get another one during the day..."

"Mom, I'm going to be fine. Just stop worrying about me," he said, as he got in the car with his friend.

"Okay okay. Sorry. I'm just getting more worried each day, especially when there's any danger around."

"Why? It's not like I'm gonna die anytime soon."

Oh my gosh. How did he know that I was worrying about him dying? Duh! I've been showing so much concern, especially with that last remark... Come on, girl. You're worrying way too much. Just say bye, and be careful and see you soon.

"Well, okay. That's all I wanted to say. Be careful. See you soon! Oh and Crystal is jumping up and down and she's very impatient for your arrival. You two really are very close. Well, Bye!" and with that, she hung up.

What's her problem? thought Josh, as he put his cell phone away. She's really getting really annoying, with the way she's worrying about every little thing I do. Shesh. Oh well, whatever.

He and his friend were rounding a bend in a narrow road. Suddenly, a car swerved around the bend. It looked like a DUI.

"Kazuya! Left, left! Go to the left!" he screamed to his friend.

"I can't! I'll crash into those houses!"

"Who cares?! If you don't we're gonna die!"

Kazuya tried to swerve to the left, but it was too late. The car crashed into them at a high speed. Kazuya's car flipped twice, and then Josh lost consciousness.

Later....

Fran had just had a long day, she had gotten to work late because she couldn't find her car keys, and then when she did get there she had almost gotten fired for being late. Then when she got home, she saw that someone had forgot to put the dog outside, and he had left a little surprise on the carpet. And Josh! she couldn't help but worry about him. So immediately after changing out of her work clothes, Fran poured herself a glass of wine, she was so stressed out! she just didn't know if she could handle anything more that day. Fran had just sat down, enjoying her red wine, letting herself unwind; the phone rang. She got up, still holding her glass. Answering the phone she said "Hello?" to the unknown person on the other line.

"Yes, may I speak to Mr. Aaron Smith, or Mrs. Frances Smith?" the unknown person said.

"This is Fran, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I'm the sheriff of the Miami police department. I'm sorry to say this but, well, um..."

"Yes, Go on," Said Fran, clutching the phone in one hand, and the wine glass in the other. She was scared stiff of what the sheriff would say. Miami? wasn't that where Josh had been going to the airport?

"Well, um, your son, his name is Joshua Smith, correct?"

"Oh, no.." Fran said dropping the glass. It hit the metal leg of the side table where the phone sat, and shattered, the red wine soaking into the cream colored carpet.

"Ma'am? what's wrong?"

"He's.. he's dead, isn't he?"

The sheriff emitted a sigh. "Yes, I'm really sorry to say this, but... your son... he's... dead," she finally said.

"Oh no....he really did it...he really put a curse on me...."

"Ma'am? Are you alright?"

[samurai10]

here's the rest of chapter one. i'm still trying to figure out how magic will work in my story, so it might take a while for chap 4 to come out.

"No I'm not! My first child just died, and my other children are probably gonna die within a month, and you expect me to be alright?!"she almost shouted. She took a deep breath, then said, "I'm sorry. I have to go now. I'm really sorry." With that, she hung up.

Her heart had been broken, down to its deepest core; she tried to quell the flow of tears, thinking of what else she could, but it was useless, as she at last let go giving out a writhing scream which shook the very fabrics of the home. This was the end, she thought.

Later that evening....

Aaron opened the door to his house and said in a raised voice, but not too loud,"I'm home." To his surprise, he heard the sound of sobbing. He went through the hallway going from the front door to the living room, where a surprising scene met his eyes.

His wife was on the couch holding a picture of Josh, making little sobbing noises. On the carpet near the table where the phone was, there was a red stain, and broken glass.

"Fran, what's wrong?" he said, his voice filled with deep concern.

She turned her tear-stained face towards him and said in a voice totally devoid of any emotion,"Aden....he really cursed me...Josh died in a car accident...Crystal and Matt will join him soon....I just know it..."

"Woah, woah, hold your horses! You're telling me that...Josh is...dead?"

She slowly nodded.

"Holy cow. I thought he was just playing a bad joke. But he really was serious..."he said, sitting down on the couch beside his wife. He was as grief-striken as Fran. "I just can't believe it. Man...The memories are really streaming back now."

"Yeah."

Matt and Crystal came in, fighting over the door. Both slammed it, then ran to the living room.

"Is it true? Is Josh really dead?"both shouted at the same time.

"Calm down. Where'd you find out? And yes, he's.....dead," said Aaron, suppressing his emotions.

Crystal said, "Oh no, that can't be true! Please, don't say that that wasn't a joke...."

"It was. Your older brother is dead. And now, I'm more worried about you two than ever before."

"Aaron!"said Fran suddenly.

"Oops. Forget I said that. But Matt, you're going with your sister to Greenbay."

"But Dad...."

"No buts! You're going and that's that."

"I don't know," said Crystal. "Without Josh, I'm not sure if I want to continue with my career of dancing..."she said, about ready to burst into tears.

Aaron stood up from the couch and went over to his daughter. "Josh loved to see you dance. He would be sad if you suddenly decided to quit dancing because of him. It's your choice, but I strongly suggest that you continue. In the next world, he will be watching, smiling, when you win a competition. Now go to bed both of you. It's been a long day for all of us. You'd better go."

"Yeah. Thanks Dad," said Crystal. She flashed a smile at him, but there was no happiness in it. She and Matt went upstairs, leaving nothing between Aaron and his grief. The tears suddenly came, and he was unable to stop....

Two weeks later....

Crystal took a deep breath. In a few seconds, she'd be on the stage, doing a dance performance. She had gotten over extreme nervousness a long time ago, but sometimes, it was still nerve-racking.

"Miss Crystal Smith!"said the announcer.

There was a wave of applause and Crystal stepped out. Music started playing and she forgot everything, except her dance. She danced and danced. When she was finished, there was another wave of applause, and a few people stood up. She was breathless. Then she bowed, and walked off the stage.

After everybody participating had performed, she met up with Matt. They walked out of the center, and started crossing a street.

"You were awsome, sis,"said Matt.

She smiled at him. "Thanks..."

She got no further before a car speed towards them, with no intention of stopping. She looked at the driver, and it looked like he was asleep. She screamed, then blacked out.

cc is very welcome, whether it's you stink or you rock.

[armeck]

PLEASE! don't think i'm being rude or anything but i do have a fair bit of CC, i will start with one positive thing and say i am rather impressed that you wrote that much, if it was me i would have wrote ALL of that in one paragraph and then gave up XD there are a few grammar and spelling problems here and there (no big deal) i personally thing it would have been better if aden was a bit abusive, and that's why she broke up with him, also, you said "three years later" and then you said she broke up with aden "two years ago". i think that instead of making this chapter one, make everything up until it says "22 years later" prologue. some improvement in overall character dept would be good. possible describing some of adens other attempts to ruin fran's relationship would be good. on the positive side, the story was certainly interesting (i haven't ever actually read a long post on caa before) i think you have got a lot of potential, and with some work you could really have something here, what are some of your influences?

[samurai10]

oh come on. you think that's bad? i've had much MUCH worse cc. you're fine. i like your cc. it helps me improve. and that's not even all of chapter one! XD

"No I'm not! My first child just died, and my other children are probably gonna die within a month, and you expect me to be alright?!"she almost shouted. She took a deep breath, then said, "I'm sorry. I have to go now. I'm really sorry." With that, she hung up.

Her heart had been broken, down to its deepest core; she tried to quell the flow of tears, thinking of what else she could, but it was useless, as she at last let go giving out a writhing scream which shook the very fabrics of the home. This was the end, she thought.

Later that evening....

Aaron opened the door to his house and said in a raised voice, but not too loud,"I'm home." To his surprise, he heard the sound of sobbing. He went through the hallway going from the front door to the living room, where a surprising scene met his eyes.

His wife was on the couch holding a picture of Josh, making little sobbing noises. On the carpet near the table where the phone was, there was a red stain, and broken glass.

"Fran, what's wrong?" he said, his voice filled with deep concern.

She turned her tear-stained face towards him and said in a voice totally devoid of any emotion,"Aden....he really cursed me...Josh died in a car accident...Crystal and Matt will join him soon....I just know it..."

"Woah, woah, hold your horses! You're telling me that...Josh is...dead?"

She slowly nodded.

"Holy cow. I thought he was just playing a bad joke. But he really was serious..."he said, sitting down on the couch beside his wife. He was as grief-striken as Fran. "I just can't believe it. Man...The memories are really streaming back now."

"Yeah."

Matt and Crystal came in, fighting over the door. Both slammed it, then ran to the living room.

"Is it true? Is Josh really dead?"both shouted at the same time.

"Calm down. Where'd you find out? And yes, he's.....dead," said Aaron, suppressing his emotions.

Crystal said, "Oh no, that can't be true! Please, don't say that that wasn't a joke...."

"It was. Your older brother is dead. And now, I'm more worried about you two than ever before."

"Aaron!"said Fran suddenly.

"Oops. Forget I said that. But Matt, you're going with your sister to Greenbay."

"But Dad...."

"No buts! You're going and that's that."

"I don't know," said Crystal. "Without Josh, I'm not sure if I want to continue with my career of dancing..."she said, about ready to burst into tears.

Aaron stood up from the couch and went over to his daughter. "Josh loved to see you dance. He would be sad if you suddenly decided to quit dancing because of him. It's your choice, but I strongly suggest that you continue. In the next world, he will be watching, smiling, when you win a competition. Now go to bed both of you. It's been a long day for all of us. You'd better go."

"Yeah. Thanks Dad," said Crystal. She flashed a smile at him, but there was no happiness in it. She and Matt went upstairs, leaving nothing between Aaron and his grief. The tears suddenly came, and he was unable to stop....

Two weeks later....

Crystal took a deep breath. In a few seconds, she'd be on the stage, doing a dance performance. She had gotten over extreme nervousness a long time ago, but sometimes, it was still nerve-racking.

"Miss Crystal Smith!"said the announcer.

There was a wave of applause and Crystal stepped out. Music started playing and she forgot everything, except her dance. She danced and danced. When she was finished, there was another wave of applause, and a few people stood up. She was breathless. Then she bowed, and walked off the stage.

After everybody participating had performed, she met up with Matt. They walked out of the center, and started crossing a street.

"You were awsome, sis,"said Matt.

She smiled at him. "Thanks..."

She got no further before a car speed towards them, with no intention of stopping. She looked at the driver, and it looked like he was asleep. She screamed, then blacked out.

[armeck]

it looks like the posts were scrambled, when i commented there were no other comments (i don't think anyway), but now it shows one of yours before mine... weird... i like the rest of the chapter, i'm glad you liked my CC, it seems a tad rushed, but besides that i think you are doing a rather good job!

[samurai10]

whoops....my bad. sorry...i've gotten slightly better CC on chapter 2, but i can't post it because the place where i put it is down right now....>_> but yeah. thanks though!. any CC is welcome.

[samurai10]

*drumroll* FINALLY the site it was on went back up. so here's chapter two. enjoy, and PLEASE! LOTSA CC! I WANTZ THE CC! warning, violence.

Chapter 2

Renalda stood at the window of her house, sipping mint flower juice. "Another human from earth has died. And he is going to be sent here. There is something different about him though..." She sighed, although this was the only way to save the world that was entrusted to her, she felt sorry for those humans... they were dead in their world and they could never get back... she sighed again, "it's not so much work to infuse Elvish into the minds of those who come here. I had better get back to work." She sighed for a third time and turned away from the window.

Two weeks later...

Crystal woke up with a start. She jumped to her feet, and then fell back down. Involuntary she put her hand on her head "Ow... what a migraine," she said, slowly sitting up. She looked around and said out loud, "Where am I? And what am I wearing?!"

She was in a little clearing. All around her were trees and bushes. The forest didn't look remotely familiar. Besides, She had just been walking across a street in Green Bay WI! she couldn't be in a forest! This was probably just a bad dream! And her clothes! they were very strange, certainly not the jeans and t-shirt that she had been wearing... she was now wearing all black. She had a cloak, with a Renaissance dress underneath of it. As for her shoes, they looked really weird. She didn't know how to describe them. And of all things, a sword?! What on earth was a sword doing hanging at her side?

"So you're finally awake, eh? said Matt, emerging suddenly from a grove of trees behind her.

She screamed. She didn't know what to expect, everything was so different and strange. Then she turned around and saw her brother. she breathed a sigh of relief. "Matt, seriously, don't scare me like that!"

"It's always so amusing to annoy you, Crys."

"How many times must I tell you? I hate being called Cyrs."

"Yeah, 'cause you're so girly."

"Matt, shut up." Crystal was very annoyed now. Her face showed it. It was not that she hated the name 'Crys' it was that, it was Josh's special nick name for her. And now that he was gone....

Yeah, shut up.

"Who said that?" Crystal said, twisting around trying to find where the voice was coming from.

My name is Gorro, and I'm right next to you,

She looked to her right.

No, don't be daft! The other way.

She looked to the left. She didn't see anbody.

Now look down.

She looked down, but the only thing she saw was the sword.

There you go.

"You're my sword? How are you talking?" Crystal said in wonder.

that's a long story. For now, just tell your brother to shut up. We need to get moving.

"Ok.... Hey Matt! Gorro wants you to shut up." Crystal said the last part with a half smile playing across her face.

"Who's Gorro?" Matt asked.

"My sword."

"Oh, so your sword talks to you too?"

"Our swords talk to us! Have we gone insane? Inanimate objects cant talk!"

Hey, I can hear you.

"Sorry. So, um, what do we do now? We're stuck in the middle of a forest. Where do we go?" Crystal said, looking around.

You can try going forward.

"Oh, trying to be smart, eh?"

No. I'm just trying to be practical. I mean, since you don't know where to go, you should try to go somewhere. And I'm sure that somebody's coming to get you. I mean, Renalda wouldn't put you in the middle of a forest for no reason.

"Who's Renalda?"

She's the elf who brought you here instead of the afterlife.

"Elf?"

Erm, I'll tell you later. Right now you need to draw me. Your brother's sword has probably already told him.

"Why?"

Because there's something coming. Probably a minion of Kuraku.

"Who's Kuraku?"

I'll tell you later. For now, just draw me. And believe in me. I'll infuse how i fight into your body. But it sounds like a Benihime.

"For goodness sake!"said Crystal, who was getting very annoyed at how he didn't want to tell her anything. "What on earth is a Benihime?"

I'll tell you later. Draw me! It's very close now.

"FINE!" Crystal shouted, drawing the sword that had been hanging at her side. The sword itself was a beautiful thing. It's hilt was of gold, and studded with ruby's. Crystal felt strange drawing the sword. She had never even touched one in her life. Then, she suddenly swung it through the air, and stopped two inches from Matt. She gasped in surprise. She had not moved. Her arms had moved without her consent and she had almost hit Matt! What the heck was going on?

Oops. Sorry, almost made you hit your brother.

"You made me do that? Be more careful next time. Wait, how are you making my body move without my consent?"

That doesn't matter. The Benihime is here.

"What the heck is a Benihime?"

You'll find out soon enough.

Crystal was seriously annoyed. Her sword, or whoever was talking, was being a complete control freak! It wouldn't tell her what was going on, why she was in a forest, instead of in a city! She walked over to a tree and slammed her fist into it.

Your way of thinking isn't very ladylike, you know.

"Whatever! You can just shut up, if you aren't going to tell me what is going on!" Crystal shouted at Gorro.

Crystal heard twigs and branches snapping and breaking. What was that? she wondered. Is that the Benihink or whatever Gorro was talking about?

First of all, it's a Benihime, not a Benihink. Secondly, yes, that's what's breaking the twigs and branches.

My sword can read my mind? That's preposterous!

The Benihime crashed through the last few branches and twigs. Crystal was finally able to see what a Benihime was.

The Benihime had the shape of a horse, the horns of a ram, and black fur. It stood on it's rear legs and had hands like a human, in which it carried a gigantic sword.

Phew! It's only a Zenook. But even though it's just a Zenook, I still haven't gotten the hang of manipulating your body. I doubt Musaku has gotten the hang of manipulating your brother's body either. But then again, Zenook's are really bad at fighting.

Can't you tell me already about something?

No, we gotta defeat this....Duck! said the voice in her head.

She looked up then suddenly she fell and hit the ground.

Ow...Hey you, that hurt!

Oh, excuse me, miss clumsy.

Argh! You are so annoying! Take that! she said, hitting a tree with Gorro.

Ow! That hurt! Stop it! You're in the middle of a battle!

Hmph! she said. Then she readied herself.

The Zenook seemed amused. "You're talking to yourself, eh? Or are you talking to that sword of yours?"

"None of your business, "said Crystal. You idiot! she thought to herself. You look like an dork talking to a sword!

Thats because you are an idiot.

Since you seem like you can read my mind, Im not gonna say anything out loud anymore. But youd better take that back.

No.

The Zenook shrugged. "Whatever you're doing, it's highly amusing. But I have work to do; why don't you come along nice and easy like. It will be better for the both of us."

"And the answer to that is definitely no."

"Well then, "said the Zenook. "If you're not gonna come quietly, Ill have to take you by force."

"Just try it," said Crystal. "Hey Matt, you ready?" she called.

"Not really but thats ok," said Matt. They circled around, trying to find an opening, when Gorro suddenly made Crystal lurch towards the Zenook. She hit it, but her sword bounced off of its hide, as if it had hit steel armor.

"Eh? That was so measly, I barely felt that! "said the Zenook. "Take this! it shouted," swinging its sword. Crystal tried to dodge, but the tip of the sword caught on her shirt, She flew fifteen feet, then crashed into a tree. She dimly heard Gorro telling her to snap out of it, but she was losing consciousness. She saw the Zenook coming closer, but she was in too much pain to move. Weakly, she tried to lift Gorro to deflect the death blow that was surely coming, but Gorro was too heavy. The Zenook lifted its sword, when suddenly a black shadow darted out from among the trees. It circled around the Zenook, much like Crystal and Matt had done, only much faster. It darted at the Zenook's neck, and swung what looked to be a sword. There was a spurt of blood, then the Zenook fell over, moaning feebly. The shadow came over to her and materialized into a human. At that point, Crystal lost consciousness.

[Midori]

It's pretty interesting. I can probably generate a lot of CC though (it's my family's shtick). So if you'll let me be frank, here I go.

1. I was rather emotionally shocked at the people dying in the first chapter. Maybe there's no other way of getting around it, but...I don't know. If that's the intent, I guess it's fine. I was also a little bothered about there being a curse in what seemed at the time to be a magic-free world. Maybe that's just me, but it's a potential concern. I suppose it could be assuaged though by having there be some other indication of magic as well. But I don't know.

2. The beginning seems a bit rushed, in various ways. It's done in a full narrative style but there's a lot of jumping around and it's a little jarring. Here's how I'd write it: start off with the scene of Josh in the car and talking to his mother. Let the reader be curious about why Fran is worried for his life, and then in the next few scenes tell the reader why via a flashback, or have Fran tell the story to Aaron or the other children. That's how I'd do it anyway.

3. Maybe it's just how I'm reading it again, but the children seem to be taking Josh's death too much in stride. I'd think they'd be more shocked and devestated. Similarly, when Crystal ends up in the elf world she seems not very surprised at where she is. I know that it says that she's surprised and confused, but somehow I'm just not feeling it. Remember to show not tell. Which brings me to...

4. The writing style is just a bit bland. It's accurate sure, but for instance, if instead of saying "She screamed" you could say "She let out a startled yelp" and things like that, it'd make me feel more like I'm really there. It's just a matter of having a vivid writing style, which you'll learn as you practice.

Hope that wasn't too much. I do want to read the rest of the story, but I'd also be pleased to read a revised version of these parts. Just do whatever you want really.

[samurai10]

Too much? nah. TOO LITTLE! i was actually just waiting for somebody to give CC before i gave the 3rd chapter. *needs to stop procrastinating* thanks for the CC though, I really appreciate it.

as for what you said....
1. hrm....that kinda surprised me, since....I dunno. I wasn't aiming at making people emotionally disturbed by that, then again, unless I really liked the character, i'm never disturbed by deaths. so....:/ but i don't really know how else to whisk(sp?) them off to the other world. and i guess i didn't put too much implication that the world that they used to live in was Earth, and i was trying to make it as realistic as possible.

2. Yeah, I do that a lot. While writing, I'm saying to myself, omgosh, this is awesomesauce! and then, i reread it and I'm like, dude, i rushed this. It's one of my faults while writing. And thanks for that. I'll keep it in mind.

3. Reason why rushing in a story is not very good. I usually just write whatever comes to mind.

4. Another thing that happens while rushing. I'm terrible at descriptions and fighting scenes though. That could be one of the reasons why it's, quote, "just a bit bland."

Nope. not too much. I'm glad to get all the CC I can, because I know I stink, but I don't know what at, and if I get CC, I can know what to do in order to improve. Perhaps in the future I'll magically become unlazy and actually get on and start doing some editting.

Chapter 3
When Crystal woke up again, her head felt like it was going to explode. Her back felt like it was on fire, and the pain flared up every time she moved. She was lying on her stomach, with a cloak as a pillow, a cloak in between the ground and her, and a cloak over top of her. she tried to sit up, but fell back moaning.

"You awake?" said a strange voice. "Good. You had us worried there for a bit. Not even I have been thrown against something that hard, and i've been in this world, fighting for quite some time."

She looked towards the place where the voice was coming from. There was a small fire, and a man whom she had never seen before was sitting next to her brother. He looked to be a middle aged man with black hair and beard. He was wearing the exact same thing that Matt was wearing, except perhaps a little bigger. He had a kind face and a sword was at his side.

He got up and walked over to her, with what looked like a little bowl in his hand. He knelt down beside her, felt her forehead and said "You have a bit of a fever, but it's not bad. Drink this." he said, helping her to turn over and sit up. He then held the bowl to her lips. She drank all of it's contents, without question. Crystal thought it tasted like green tea, one of her favorite drinks. She almost immediately felt much better, the pain in her back was still there but it was dulled.

"Thanks," she said, "I feel much better. What is that stuff? It tastes like green tea."

"It's a healing medicine that tastes like green tea, but it isn't."

"Ah, okay." she said. "What happened? The last thing I remember is you, or I think it was you, walking towards me." Crystal said, rubbing her temples.

"Well, after I killed the Zenook, you blacked out. Matt and I laid you down here, and used our cloaks as a pillow, blanket, and covering the ground so you wouldn't get dirty."

"Who are you? You killed that Zenook so easily it was amazing!" Crystal said enthusiastically.

He smiled and said, "My name is Daisuke. Nice to meet you, Crystal." he said extending his hand. She extended her hand, then winced, and muffled a moan. "Don't overexert yourself. Frankly, I'm surprised that you can sit up without help. You were thrown pretty hard."

"Heh, no kidding. But what ever it was that you gave me made me feel a lot better. And where are we?"

"It was a healing medicine made from the leaves of some of the trees in the forest. And you are in the world of Erivius, where humans who are chosen come after they die."

"Chosen?"

"Yes. Those chosen, their hearts have been looked at, and they were worthy of helping Renalda to save this world."

"There's Renalda again."

"Excuse me?"

"My sword said something about her, but he wouldn't tell me anything. Ugh, he's annoying."

Hey, I heard that.

Do you think I care?

Daisuke laughed. "Most people don't get along with their swords at first. At first, I hated Peterano. But now, I don't know what I'd do if he broke, And I don't think he'd want to help Renalda anymore if anything happened to me. We're really good friends now, but sometimes, we still get on each other's nerves. But we still like each other alot."

"I'm guessing that Peterano is your sword."

"Yup," he said, patting the sword on his hip.

"Hm," Daisuke continued, "Why were you and your sword fighting?"

"Because he was saying all sorts of things and not explaining."

"Like?"

"Like who Renalda is, where we are, what a Benihime is, and what a Zenook is. Can you tell me what they are?"

"No, your sword can tell you that wile we're going back to Iatsu on our unicorns."

"Unicorns? As in those horses with horns on their forehead?" For the first time, Crystal noticed the unicorns. They looked proud, and they were beautiful creatures.

"Yup. But you can't get back to Iatsu with that back of a unicorn. I'll have to go back to Iatsu and get some pegasi."

"Pegasi?! There's pegasi in this world? What a fairy-taleish world!"

"Wow, that's almost the same thing that...oops, I wasn't supposed to say that."

"Say what?"

"Ah, nothing. Well, I'm gonna go now. I'm gonna get four pegasi and come back with a liter."

Crystal looked at him suspiciously. She knew he was hiding something, but she knew it would get her nowhere if she pressed him. She looked at the unicorns again. They fascinated her, and she wished she could rub their noses.

If you rubbed their noses, they'd probably run you through with their horns. Unicorns are proud and lordly. They are also very easy to anger. They can talk too. But the good thing about them is that they're fiercely loyal. Pegasi aren't as easy to anger, but they can still get pretty mad. They can also talk, but they're not as smart as unicorns.

Oh okay. Are pegasi strong and royal?

They're strong and conduct themselves with much pride, but they aren't royal.

Okay. Are you royalty? And could you explain all those things that I wanted you to explain earlier?

Gorro sighed. As I said before, this is a long story. Renalda, as I have said, is an elf. She is very powerful with magic and such things. She is one of the most powerful elves. When the world was younger, I forgot what she did, but she did something that made her in favor of the High Elf. The High Elf made her in charge of this world. I am actually not a real sword. Until Kuraku dieds, I will be a sword.

Why? Did he make you into a sword? And whose the High Elf?

Gorro sighed again. The High Elf looks over the affairs of all the worlds. He is the most powerful elf.Kuraku is a renegade elf. He was the first to be in charge of this world, but he was a traitor. Gorro's voice suddenly became cold and hard. Kuraku got us all on his side. We thought that he was a great friend, but he turned on us and cursed us. That jerk! He called us all to the Sacred Palace. He took the Zebarius Amulet, then he cursed us, the curse being that we would suffer horrible tortures every day, but never die. The elves found out what he had done, and sent Renalda. But he was already very strong without the Zebarius Amulet. Renalda, who is one of the most powerful elves, was not able to stop him. He is almost unstoppable with the Zebarius Amulet.

What's the Zebarius Amulet?

It is a powerful magnifier of magic. It almost doubles the strength of spells that the wearer casts. It was passed down from the First Prince and Princess, Pitalus and Katia. It is most sacred to us, and it has almost never been touched.

Oh, ok. But how did you get to be a sword?

Because Kuraku had used the Zebarius Amulet in cursing us, Renalda could not take off the curse, it was so strong. The only thing she could do, was make us into swords, so that it would greatly dull the pain. The pain is still there, but it is not quite as bad as it used to be. When we're hit, it flares up a bit, but not too much. If it did, we wouldn't be able to work in the battlefield. But that was the best that Renalda was able to do. She needed help to overthrow him. So she put a spell on us, so that we would be able to manipulate the person's body who was chosen for us. So that's why you're here and I'm able to manipulate you.

Crystal was thoughtful for a moment. Then she asked, You keep saying 'we.' Whose we?

There are a hundred of us. We are the princes and princess's of this land. Those who have swords that are cursed princesses are not very good fighters. They can still fight, but they're much better at archery. Oh, Daisuke's back.

Crystal looked up to see four pegasi. There were two people riding on two of them. The pegasi circled around, and slowly descended. Crystal started. Was that Josh on one of them? The pegasi landed and the people got down. One of them ran towards her and started shouting, "Crystal, Crystal are you okay?" She gasped. It really was Josh! "Josh, Oh my gosh, you're alive!"

[samurai10]

I finally finished! Woooooot! Here it is!

Crystal was dumbfounded. Why on earth was her brother in this strange world?

"Josh, what the heck are you doing here? You died!"

"And I came here, just like you."

"What do you mean?"

"I died and woke up here, probably with many of the questions that you had. I woke up in this forest, and this spot looks familiar, so I think this is where I came to. You're lucky. Back at Earth, Daisuke was a doctor."

"Do you have a talking sword too?"

"Yup. His name's Jorbank. We didn't really like each other at first, but now, we're, at least I think we are, good friends."

He walked over to her and knelt down beside her. "I'm really glad that you're also in this world. Even though it'll probably mean that you're going to fight, and that we might be separated again, we can spend a bit more time together." He smiled at her, and she smiled back. He then walked over to Matt, and punched him playfully.

"Ow!"

"What, have you grown flabby and weak in my absence?"

"What? No!"

Josh laughed. "Come on, let's get Crystal on the liter and let's go. I want Renalda to look at her as soon as possible."

"Alright," said both Daisuke and Matt. They slowly and gently lifted Crystal onto the liter, and then attached it to the pegasi. They all got on the pegasi, and the pegasi took off flying without any sign of prompting.

They took off. After a few minutes, they were really high up. Crystal immediately became very scared. She was never good with heights and now...how many feet off the ground was she? She looked down over the side of the litter, and immediately wished she hadn't. The ground was very far away, and the trees were small. She immediately rolled back to her previous position panting. She called up to Josh. "What do you say to stopping for a bit?"

He looked at her over his shoulder and said, "Oh yeah, forgot that heights and you don't go very well together." He thought for a moment, then called to Daisuke, "What do you think? I know that we've not been going for very long, but Crystal and heights really don't go well together."

Daisuke considered this, then said to Crystal, "Can't you wait 'till we get to Renalda? She really wants to meet with you and take a look at your injuries. She'll just have one more thing to look at."

Crystal really did not feel too well, but she put on a brave face and said, "Oh, okay, I think it can wait."

Daisuke smiled at her and said, "Thanks, I don't want Renalda to be mad at me for being late. Just don't look down, and think of other things, alright? That will get your mind off of the fact that we're so high in the air."

"Thanks." Crystal tried to do what he suggested, and found that it worked. She started thinking of happy memories of her childhood, of her parents, and especially, of Josh. One memory in particular stood out.

Crystal had only been 15 at the time, and a certain boy at school had been bullying her that day.
“What are you doing, gorgeous?â€

[samurai10]

"Tender, huh?" said Renalda. Crystal nodded. Renalda then muttered which, to Crystal, seemed like a foreign language she had never heard of, and her hand started to glow a soft blue. She closed her eyes, and put her hand within an inch of Crystal's back. Her hand hovered there for a while, then, it returned to it's normal color, and Renalda opened her eyes, frowning. "You have some heavy bruises, but the worst thing is a chipped back bone which is probably the hardest thing to heal. I can do it, don't worry, but it's just really hard...." She trailed off, despite the scared look on Crystal's face. With a sigh, Renalda muttered something again, closing her eyes. This time, her hand started to glow a soft green. She made her hand hover over Crystal's back again. Crystal gasped. She felt as if somebody was pulling her back apart, and putting it back together. Renalda's mutterings grew louder, and her hand glowed brighter. Then, all of a sudden, it all stopped. Renalda's hand went back to it's normal color, and again, Renalda opened her eyes.

"There. You're all done," said Renalda, smiling tiredly.

Crystal hopped off the table bed thing, and said, "Thanks a bunch! My back was hurting like heck, but now, it's perfectly alright!"

Renalda's smile became broader and less strained, and she said, "You're welcome. As the humans say, 'Anytime.'" Crystal laughed at the quote. "Now come along. I must summon all to the conference room, including you."

"All?"

"Yes. All the humans."

"But how are you going to do it? It seems to be as if there's quite a few people around here."

Renalda laughed. "Only one hundred, my dear. Come along, I'll show you how I call them."

"Alright," said Crystal. Together, they went out of that room. Renalda opened another of the three doors and led Crystal inside it. In the room, there was a large, round, stone table, as well as a much smaller stone table in a corner, piled up with papers. Renalda went to a corner of the room, and pushed a small stone in the wall. The lower wall opened, revealing a short rope. Renalda crouched down, put her hand on the rope, then started muttering in the strange language again. Almost immediately Crystal heard three tinkles, as if somebody had shaken a small bell three times in her ear. Startled, she looked around the room, but there was nobody to be seen except Renalda, who had stopped muttering and opened her eyes. "What was that?" she asked.

"That was this," replied Renalda, pointing to the rope. "I say a spell, and everybody hears one, two, or three tinkles, depending on the situation."

"Situation?"

"Yes. One tinkle if I want somebody, two if it's an emergency, and three if I want them in the conference room, which is on the third floor. Let's go there right now, shall we?"

"Alright."

Renalda opened the door, then led the way to the stairs. These were wooden slabs sticking to the wall. They were very thin, and as Crystal thought, "It's a wonder these things haven't broken yet." As they were going down, Crystal asked, "How many floors are there? I know there's at least eight, but why so many?"

Renalda laughed. "There's actually nine. This is our base. We sleep, eat, train, house the unicorns and pegasi, and make battle plans here. There are a hundred people, not including the dragon or I. That's why."

"Ah, okay," said Crystal.

After a couple more minutes, they reached the third floor. Many people were already seated, and the entrance from the stairwell was crowded. When they saw Renalda, there were many greetings, and a vain attempt to clear the doorway. Renalda smiled and just gently pushed her way through. The doorway promptly became crowded again, while Renalda went to the front of the room.

Crystal, having pushed her way through with Renalda started looking around the large room for her brothers. She saw them, and an empty seat beside Josh. She elbowed her way through the crowd, and finally sat down beside them. "Where's Daisuke?" she asked.

"He's up there," said Josh, indicating the front of the room. "Are you okay though?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Renalda somehow managed to heal me." She leaned back against the bench and muttered to herself, "What a fairy tale this is turning out to be....."

Suddenly, there was a loud roar. The noise in the room immediately died down. Many people looked to the front of the room, where the roar had come from. "Thank you, Arempal," said Renalda, to a girl, dressed in black, with a sword at her side, and pale skin. The girl nodded. "Please everyone, find a seat and sit down. I have important things to say."

All immediately ran for seats. When all was quiet, and everybody was seated, Renalda went on. "As you may know, the last two people required for our number of a hundred have arrived just this morning. Crystal and Matthew, please stand up." As they stood up, shouts and applause came from all corners of the room. They smiled at all and sat back down. The noise gradually decreased. "Tomorrow, I must journey to the land of the elves, to report to the High Elf that all are assembled. As usual, I shall leave things in Daisuke's hands."

She grew grave. "Kuraku, as you know, is a traitor to both the High Elf, and the royalty of this land. No doubt, during the time which I came here and started growing out my army, he was creating his as well.

"Soon, we shall start the fight, for victory, and justice!" A loud roar of approval came immediately from the people. When things had died down, Renalda continued. "But first, Arempal must choose from the two humans who have just arrived.


"As you know, Arempal must be merged with a human before she will be able to awaken all her true powers as a dragon. She has not chosen from among you yet, and so she must choose from those who have just come. Arempal?" She looked at her. Arempal nodded.

She started going towards Crystal and Matt. She stopped in front of Crystal, and cupped her face in her hands. She closed her eyes, and gently touched her forehead to Crystal's. Immediately a bright flash shone out, but only for a moment. Arempal opened her eyes and withdrew her hands. Crystal closed her eyes, and slumped against her brother.

Crystal had been chosen.