Girls-HELP! how to get rid of a 'stalker'

[Makachop^^128]

Personally if I were you I wouldn't think about it too much, just be nice to him. Who knows if you befriend him he could be a really good friend. Pray about it and be nice to him thats what I'd do.

[Rusty Claymore]

Solution(or the answer, whichever is less wet): Wear a T-shirt that says, "Stalking is not an option."

...that or, "Where the heck is Ausfahrt?" That one is good too...

[Htom Sirveaux]

Okay . . . I suppose at this point I should apologize for my "slap him" idea. But I stand by it. It seems to be the quickest, easiest, most effective way to send the message.

But then, Maybe I'm just more callused and cynical (also read: "bitter") having known nothing but loneliness, rejection and disappointment.

[Wyntre Rose]

...that or, "Where the heck is Ausfahrt?" That one is good too...

I'll admit, I had to google this.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Definitely make it clear that the way he's treating you is the opposite of attractive. XD Tell him that you're sorry, but you don't see him that way and you aren't going to be interested in a relationship with him beyond friendship. Ever. XD Be firm if you have to, without being mean. Some creepers just do not get it (clearly this one is having a hard time comprehending that you don't like him XD), so be sure not to be too "friendly" or send him any of the wrong signals. XD Good luck!

Seconded. Creepy guys, while they may be well-intentioned, are usually creepy because they have not really had many opportunities to learn how to behave properly in a social environment. So there may be hope for him to be less creepy! Lol. I have a lot of close female friends, so I've been able to be educated as to how to basically be more interesting towards women. And it usually works. XD I'm only single (well... Might not be soon lol) cause most women I come across don't piqué my interest.

But generally, guys that cannot take hints or keep trying usually means that there is an undeveloped or unhealthy level (unhealthy being more of things such as clinginess, which is often due to deeper issues of insecurity, etc) of emotional maturity. In this case, it's probably better if guys learn that things that girls say tend to have a different meaning behind it. (i.e. "We should just be friends" = "I have no interest in you, nor do I think that I would ever have interest in you") Cause if a girl had even the SLIGHTEST interest in a guy, she would say yes. And that kind of guy is good for no girl. XD I think a guy has some level of responsibility (if they ever want to date people) to understand hints.

Single men of CAA. These are protips. XD

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Man, can't we just find a happy medium for all of this? None of this "slap his face" vs. "Just be nice and sweet and maybe he'll go away because your overwhelming cuteness has made him rethink his creepy ways".

From reading this thread, I'm going to assume that most girls (not all, though), when interacting with guys that like them, have heard of or go by either one of two approaches. One, because girls tend to be a bit more emotional than guys (most of us, anyways), we don't like hurting others. Thus, when we run up against a situation where we need to be firm, we just beat around the bush, hoping the guy will get a hint and run away. The other approach (also sparked by emotion) is on the opposite side of a spectrum, it seems. Basically, you hit the nail on the head with all your might and shatter the guy's heart because you've been told that boys can "handle it".

Neither approach is the best one, I think. Therefore, as some others in this thread have mentioned, be very clear in how you feel (sum it up in one sentence if possible), don't try to butter up the truth to make yourself feel better, but be tactful towards his feelings. I don't really think there's a way for him to be totally happy with the outcome, really, if you are worried about that. But, speak truthfully to him, and hopefully, he will have to accept your decision and move on.

The best solution is to bring it up if he brings it up, I think, and just (honestly) let him down easy. "I'm just not interested, and I don't see things going romantically between us, but I'd like to be friends." After that, you've done what you can, and what you should be reasonably expected to do.

Really, just building off of what MSP said (And having once upon a time been one of those guys myself), try not to hate him for it. It's probably not really his fault that he is the way tha the is. It's usually a social thing... Or lack of a social thing, really. Niceness usually spurs it on. "Omg, this girl is being nice to me! She is the first girl in ages to be nice to me! I must date her."

[Nate]

Okay . . . I suppose at this point I should apologize for my "slap him" idea. But I stand by it. It seems to be the quickest, easiest, most effective way to send the message.

Okay. Here is the problem with your idea. Well okay, a couple of problems.

One. Imagine the roles are reversed. Imagine this is a guy who has a girl he has no interest in being overly nice. Imagine that he takes your advice and hauls off and slaps her.

What do you think the repercussions of this will be?

Two. If this guy is like airi says, then he's socially awkward and doesn't really have any friends. Airi walks up and slaps him in front of a bunch of people. How will that kid's reputation be now? He will be laughed at. He will be "That guy who got the crap slapped out of him by a girl, ha ha what a loser." It will make things even worse for him socially. And since, as I stated before, one single girl rejecting a guy feels like the entirety of womankind rejecting him, a slap would take it overboard. If a girl had walked up and slapped me for being nice when I was in high school, I probably would have committed suicide. No lie. And if this kid really is lonely and without friends and socially awkward, I don't think it's a stretch to say he might feel the same.

I don't think airi wants to be an instigator of this kid killing himself. That would probably make her feel bad. At least I think it would anyway.

But then, Maybe I'm just more callused and cynical (also read: "bitter") having known nothing but loneliness, rejection and disappointment.

Yeah I can't make this claim because I did have about three and a half months of happiness, but I have felt similarly.

Still, schadenfreude is not particularly healthy.

Also, echoing what Ryan and Etoh said to a degree...while I stated earlier that unattractive men are automatically assumed to be creepy for really no reason whatsoever by women, the ones that are genuinely creepy usually are doing it by accident because they're the unpopular kids who never quite figured out how being social works. So being mean just makes them feel worse.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Also, echoing what Ryan and Etoh said to a degree...while I stated earlier that unattractive men are automatically assumed to be creepy for really no reason whatsoever by women, the ones that are genuinely creepy usually are doing it by accident because they're the unpopular kids who never quite figured out how being social works. So being mean just makes them feel worse.

Well, yes and no. There is always a responsibility for your behavior. If you want to be more socially adept, then one has to really take the initiative to become less socially awkward.

[Mithrandir]

Well, yes and no. There is always a responsibility for your behavior. If you want to be more socially adept, then one has to really take the initiative to become less socially awkward.

Speaking as one who has been on all sides of this issue, I can assure you this is not always possible. There are plenty of people who never get to the point that they can really understand how what they are doing affects others. At the very least, until someone has reached about age 25, you can't really assume they have the capacity for this.

If you take into account things like Asperger's and/or Autism, things become even muddier. Remember, folks, you're only responsible for your OWN actions. You can't take action for someone else. Be sure what you do clearly conveys your intentions, but don't forget that Christians are also called to act in a manner that glorifies Christ.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Mith. What you say is true. I am speaking from a more *hopeful* or idealistic perspective, I guess. I'm also, for these purposes, excluding variables like people with developmental disorders.

But I think many people (people need to give themselves more credit!) have the capaticy to basically "uncreeperify" themselves. But you are right. It's too broad to say that everyone can do that.

[Atria35]

^ True, but it takes time and people willing to help them socialize, explain that what they're doing is socially unacceptable in some way. My brother was essentially a social outcast for much of his youth, and that mixed with medium -bad ADD and friends who had similar social issues meant that he never picked up on the things we would learn as kids were not ok- it didn't help that my mom coddled him a little too much about these things. He's a lot better now- he's 19, and with regular interaction with people in his classes, it's helped a lot- but still has behaviors that will put someone off. But it's taken him three years just to get this far.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

^ True, but it takes time and people willing to help them socialize, explain that what they're doing is socially unacceptable in some way. My brother was essentially a social outcast for much of his youth, and that mixed with medium -bad ADD and friends who had similar social issues meant that he never picked up on the things we would learn as kids were not ok- it didn't help that my mom coddled him a little too much about these things. He's a lot better now- he's 19, and with regular interaction with people in his classes, it's helped a lot- but still has behaviors that will put someone off. But it's taken him three years just to get this far.

Oh I agree. Things are a lot more efficient if people are there to help them through.

[Atria35]

^ Agreed, but it still took 3 years. That's a long time for people to be understanding and patient about it.

[Yamamaya]

Htom I find that idea to be absolutely cruel and riduculous.

I am with Nate in that I actually feel sorry for this guy. The way you describe him he seems like the poor soul that no girl will give a second glance. Yes he is naive but I bet you ten dollars that is just a defense mechanism he has developed from quite a lot of rejections.

Is he emotionally immature? Yes. Most teenagers are.

Protip: DO NOT tell him that, "I'm sure there's another girl for you." He would only thing, "That's what all the girls I like say."

[Nate]

There's a lot of phrases that need to be avoided.

The biggest one is "I think you're a great guy but..." That is the worst phrase you can ever use. Because it causes a plethora of thoughts such as "If I'm such a great guy why won't you date me? I mean you wouldn't look at a TV show and say 'That's a great show' then turn it off and never watch it." With a little bit of "I'm a great guy but she won't date me...that means I'm ugly." Oh and maybe "If I was a great guy she'd date me, so clearly she's lying to me and she hates me."

So yes. Never, ever, EVER use that phrase.

[mechana2015]

Going along with what Nate said, I was once told 'you're the sweetest guy I've ever met' in the process of being dumped. You wouldn't believe the mental acrobatics that ensued when I was trying to figure out why I was getting dumped after a comment like that. I'll not mention the conclusion I came to...

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Well, Nate. I get what you're saying, and I think girls ought to be more specific at times (I.e. "You aren't what I'm looking for.") I know plenty of great girls who are attractive, yet I don't really see myself dating or marrying them cause I know what I want and they don't meet some of those necessary standards I have. And I would imagine that the basic idea works both ways (although most girls in highschool and college tend not to know what they want. From my experience, at least).


And Yamamaya, if a guy is not getting second glances from girls, there is something for him to work on, be it their social mannerisms, clothes, hygiene, appearance, things they say, etc. Idealistically speaking, there are ways to change that. Protip: If you want a girlfriend, you have to play by their rules. Were pretty much at their mercy on this one. Lol

Developing a healthy level of self-respect generally enables other healthy behaviors. For example, there have been two girls this past year I admitted interest to, and both times I was rejected. Nothing personal at all. They liked me and enjoyed my company, for sure. But they weren't feeling the chemistry for anything deeper. And to this day we're still great friends! Sure it was disappointing, but those feelings left after like two days. Lol

[Nate]

I know plenty of great girls who are attractive, yet I don't really see myself dating or marrying them

What's that like?

Oh yeah and can everybody stop misusing the term "PROTIP" in this thread? It's really annoying to see people use it the wrong way. It's like a pet peeve of mine. Thank you.

They liked me and enjoyed my company, for sure. But they weren't feeling the chemistry for anything deeper.

I still don't get this line of thinking. It literally makes zero sense to me. In fact, I will prove how absolutely ridiculous and nonsensical that statement is.

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

See? See how nonsensical that is? So how in the absolute crap does it make sense for a girl to be like "Man, that guy is really great! One of the best guys I've ever known! He's so much fun to be around! I like hanging out with him so much! But I won't date him, though. But man, I wish I could find a boyfriend! I wonder where I could find a great guy I like to hang out with?"

I. DON'T. GET IT. I realize that human beings are largely illogical and irrational creatures but I mean it just absolutely baffles me. Now, I will say this line of thinking makes sense if the girl already has a boyfriend or is married. That definitely makes total sense. But if they're single? No, it doesn't. Doesn't make any sense. No sense at all. None. Zero is the amount of sense it makes. The sense contained in that sentiment does not exist, it is fabricated. "Nothing" is the amount of sense you would be able to remove from that statement if you dissected it. It's absurd, is the message I am trying to convey with this.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

It's simply because not everyone that someone may come into meets their standards. I'll use myself as an example. I have numerous friends who are have a lot of good qualities. They're pretty, rather intelligent, very caring, sweet, and fun to be around with. But I look for more in a woman than just those qualities. To me, matters of the heart really matter. Their level of awareness of their reality, their temperment, their level of intuitive thinking. These traits must be met too before I really pursue a girl. If they don't, then I just want to be friends with them. Good looks, enjoying my time with them, and them being an overall good person are important, yes. But I know I seek more than those.

The problem is Nate, that you are tying to logically quantify attraction. And attraction is one of the least logical phenomenas in life. I mean we can all agree that it's pretty subjective. It's not just looks and personality. There are plenty of subtle and perhaps even subconscious nuances that have us attracted to another.

[Atria35]

^ As irrational as it is, that is how many girls work. I have a friend who ended up choosing between two men- one who was terrific but she felt no chemistry with, and one who had major flaws but she had a spark with. Guess who she chose? It's one of those things.

I mean, haven't you ever just been friends like a girl? Aren't those feelings different from liking a girl? It's like that- some of the girls that you're friends with have terrific date potential, I bet, but you just don't have those feelings for them. And there have probably been girls you've crushed on that aren't great date material.

[Nate]

That still makes no sense. Why would you want to be friends with a girl who isn't aware of reality, has a poor temper, and has no intuitive thinking, from your examples? It seems to me that someone like that would be really annoying.

If you like someone enough to spend time with them, then why wouldn't you want to spend more time with them? I realize attraction is illogical but to me the solution isn't to just sit there and go "Well it sure is illogical ha ha!" and then just go on your merry way.

EDIT:

I mean, haven't you ever just been friends like a girl?

I can say I haven't had a female friend that I haven't felt attraction to. If I didn't feel attraction to them I wouldn't be friends with them now would I?

Aren't those feelings different from liking a girl?

Why would they be? No, seriously, why? Why in the world would liking a girl be different from liking her as a friend? The only difference I can see is "I do not find you physically attractive, but I enjoy your personality." Okay, that's fine. But if you can admit "This person is physically attractive, I enjoy their company, I like spending time with them," then I don't understand how you can't at least TRY to ask them out. Whether or not they respond positively is another matter but I really can't understand not ever asking. And if they turn you down, okay, fine, you can still enjoy their company.

Which is why whenever girls say "You are a great guy but" then it's clear the message is "I find you physically unattractive." Because there is literally no other reason other than that to turn down a guy if you genuinely think he's a great guy. Which is again, why I said not to use that phrase. Because you're either lying through your teeth or subtly saying "You are unattractive."

Of course, when you turn down a person of the opposite sex that you're friends with, the implication is always "You are physically unattractive" because if you didn't like that person you wouldn't be friends with them.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Because there are qualities I look for in a good friend, and then qualities I look for in a mate. Even then, I have some friends that I can only take in small doses. But I do it cause I believe that I am to love people. Plus I'm an extrovert too, lol. I could be in a relationship right now if I wanted to, if I lowered my standard.

The key to successful dating (for a guy's part) is rooted in self-respect and confidence. That's pretty much the foundational necessity.

[Nate]

Because there are qualities I look for in a good friend, and then qualities I look for in a mate.

Sorry, don't buy it. One of the key things they tell you at marriage counseling is your spouse should be your best friend. Thus, it is only logical that a person with sufficient qualities to be your friend should have sufficient qualities to be your spouse.

Unless you don't think they're physically attractive, of course.

[mechana2015]

So how should a guy respond when girls do nothing but tear that confidence down and degrade their person in the process of saying they aren't interested, as some of the earlier suggestions could be read?

Flipping it around, women, how do you feel if a guy blows you off, then tells you you were really nice and interesting and funny, just 'not good enough' in some unnamed way?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Okay, Nate. Maybe you will understand it this way.

For a friend, I look for qualities A, B, and C. For a marriage partner, I look for qualities A, B, C, D, E, F, and G. Make sense now?

And Mech, you can't really control how other people behave, I suppose. But why would you want someone that's purposefully tearing your ego down anyway? Unless of course that's not their intention. Sometimes guys just let their own egos get teared down by how their perceive and interpret things. As always, things tend to be situational.

[Radical Dreamer]

Unless you don't think they're physically attractive, of course.

Bingo. Well, for one part of it, anyways. XD There's a lot more that goes into a relationship than physical attraction, and you're right that your spouse should be your best friend. But I have different standards for people who are my friends and people who are my best friends, just like I have different standards for people who I'm romantically attracted to. It's a different level of relationship, and can't really be put on the same page as having the standards of a regular friendship.

In the end, it's kind of like the rectangle/square thing. Your future spouse should be your best friend, but every best friend should not be your spouse. XD

[Nate]

Wow, a checklist for a wife. That doesn't sound like your standards are too high at all, nope. I can just imagine it now.

"Well, you fit qualities A, B, C, D, E, and G, but not F...sorry, not good enough to be my girlfriend! But as a consolation prize, you can be my friend and I can complain to you about every other girl I meet and get feelings for who doesn't even meet half the qualities you do!"

Looking for a wife isn't The Price is Right and saying "Aw you didn't get the Plinko chip in any of the good slots BUT HERE'S A LOVELY CONSOLATION PRIZE!" it comes off as kind of a jerk, no offense.

EDIT:

Your future spouse should be your best friend, but every best friend should not be your spouse.

Only because the government made it illegal. :l

[mechana2015]

Sometimes guys just let their own egos get teared down by how their perceive and interpret things. As always, things tend to be situational.

How would you interpret someone telling you that you're a wonderful person and then more or less making a point of never talking to you ever again?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

How would you interpret someone telling you that you're a wonderful person and then more or less making a point of never talking to you ever again?

They're probably lying and not worth your time. That's one way to do it.

And Nate, call it why you want. But I have my standards that I am not willing to compromise. I respect myself to do that.

[Nate]

This is my favorite thread on CAA now. I get to relieve a lot of built up tension and stress.

If I seem bitter, it's only because I am.