Feedback please? (I have cookies.)

[ShiroiHikari]

I really need some feedback and perspective on this project I'm working on. If you all would be so kind as to read these first five chapters and leave comments, that would be amazing. You can either leave comments directly in the document via Adobe Buzzword, or you can post them here. Either way works for me.

And now, a friendly warning: This story is rated PG-13. There's some rough language occasionally, and brief sexual content in one later chapter.

And now, a badly-written blurb:

Joel is a talented young guitarist and songwriter, and he's starting to gain a strong following in his local music scene. The problem is, he's painfully shy. Will he be able to deal with performing on stage, or will he give up his dream? And...what's with this strange girl he just met?

And now, the links:

one

two

three

four

five

I'll post more chapters later if there's enough interest. :3

[Maokun]

This Adobe Buzzword seems nifty. Do I have to sign up to save my comments or just press "share"?

[ShiroiHikari]

Pretty sure you have to sign up.

[ShiroiHikari]

Bump? ._.

[goldenspines]

Sorry for the delay. I read the first chapter and I'll read the next four soon once FF decides to stop dying on me. XP

I must say, the first chapter had me tearing up a bit. Somehow, a grown man sobbing over a guitar his father gave him is bittersweet.
I'm no writer, but your story seems to have a good beginning and it makes me wonder where you'll take it from there. ^_^

*dashes off to read the other four chapters*

[Esoteric]

<.< >.> Okay, where are the cookies?!

I'm surprised Jordan didn't take Joel out shopping for the clothes--for him to come wanting to spend time with his brother, then turn around and leave him alone for another hour or so just seemed, well...disconnected. Maybe that was your point. However, Jordan doesn't seem that disconnected the rest of the time. He buys exactly the sort of clothes his brother would like, after all.

Jordan's explosion over the sale of the guitar was a little shocking. There was no real sign of serious animosity or bickering between the two until that point. In essence, Jordan was acting with too much generosity and consideration. And Joel...Joel wasn't suspicious enough of his brother's visit for me to suspect there could be that sort of blow up argument. I could see Jordan fume silently and shake with bridled rage and bitter disappointment as he got up and walked away from his foolish brother, but not suddenly scream at him. For me to see a big blow up, I think Joel should have been far more resisting/defensive from the get go. Jordan should have needled him for being stubborn and frustrating as always. Then, just when Joel starts to loosen up and confesses his mistake, Jordan reacts with the angry disappointment Joel had been dreading all along. Cause and effect--the foreshadowed pattern of brotherly interactions a bit more fleshed out. That's my opinion anyway.

At the end of chapter 3 and into chapter 4, the story telling devolves primarily into dialog swapping between Jordan and Joel. No atmosphere, no real musings or insights on Joel's part other than the story about the recital as kids. It felt breezy compared to the opening chapters.

The last chapter. As another reviewer pointed out, it changes viewpoint without warning. In first person, viewpoint changes are pretty much a no-no, especially when it's just for one chapter. If after chapter four, you inserted a story break and then wrote four more chapters from January's perspective, then okay, you could probably get away with it. Maybe, maybe if you made it an 'epilogue', it could work as is, but then I'd suggest making it immediately clear (in the first sentence), that the narrator is no longer Joel.

[ShiroiHikari]

(Apologies; I just now saw that you edited your post instead of posted a new one. XD)

Even if Jordan had asked Joel to go out shopping with him, I doubt Joel would have wanted to, haha. He, like many men, is not fond of shopping for clothes, and at this time in the story, is not comfortable with going out in public much in the first place.

Jordan is...odd. I guess at first he seems generous, but...there's more to it than that, which becomes more obvious later on. I don't want to say too much about it yet.

I have long realized there was a problem with chapter five; I've worked on it some (in the past fifteen minutes or so, actually XD).

Anyway, I actually opened this thread to say something else. Apparently, posting a work publicly online is considered "self-publishing" by publishers, whereas sending the work to people you know isn't. While I think that's ridiculous and am unsure if it's even true, I don't really want to take any chances. (Can anyone clarify whether that's true or not?)

So, if anyone wants to see the first five chapters, or the rest of the chapters after that, please email me so I can give you access.

I guess it would help if I gave my stinking email address. shiroi_hikari at yahoo dot com.

[Esoteric]

Yeah, I shoulda just double posted...people always miss edits, I know I do anyway.

As for the self-publishing thing. I'm not sure where the line is. It probably actually varies with publishers but I think the general idea is, if a story has been put up on the internet someplace where anybody can access it, it's already considered 'published' in the sense that a lot of people can/may have already read it. The cat is out of the bag, so to speak, so a publisher will naturally frown on the idea of investing in a story which the public has already had access to for free.

I know here on CAA you can't see the writing forum unless you're a member. That was done because someone here (I forget who) claimed that this made anything posted here not 'publicly published' because you have to sign up for a (free) account. Maybe that's true, maybe not, I dunno. But I know it's not really enough for me. I don't post anything (with publishing potential) anywhere a person could view it without my direct permission.

[mechana2015]

I'll have to sign up later to read, though I am interested in reading it.

[Esoteric]

Jordan is...odd. I guess at first he seems generous, but...there's more to it than that, which becomes more obvious later on. I don't want to say too much about it yet.

Oh right, for some reason I was under the impression that this was a short story. The fact that Joel got his guitar back and his life on track supported my misconception since it all seemed to rap up nicely. (except for January's chapter, but I've been reading so many open-ended short stories recently, it almost seemed natural.)

You mention having difficulty finding readers. Generally, I find you have to be very proactive in soliciting readers. Have you tried finding a writer's group that suits you? It really helps to get into a group which has the expressed purpose of exchanging constructive feedback between members. Another option is to pay close attention to other writers on forums you visit. If you can find some who are generally serious about improving their writing and have common genre interests, (ex: You like to write science fiction and they do too,) you can offer a 'story swap' and generally you'll both enjoy the experience. It is difficult to find good reviewers though, because a lot of people just don't have much practice at it. They haven't learned how to.

[ShiroiHikari]

I just joined writerscafe.org; I'm really nervous about it actually. @_@

[Maokun]

I apologize for not having provided feedback on the chapters after the first. It's been quite hectic around here, but I'll eventually come around