? for criticism

[Sparrowhawk]

Ok, I published this poem a few years ago, but I have not gotten much criticism on it. I think its because most of the people I have found who would be willing to criticize it do not care much for traditional form and rhyme (which is fine - I just like traditional form and rhyme so I am looking for criticism on my form and rhyme).

It was inspired by a black and white with lots of gray blurs with a central focus point u will notice in the poem =) I found the picture rather depressing, but then again, my writing tends to be dark (not that anyone here would know - this is my first time posting something on here since I am only going to post work I can prove I wrote myself because I'm paranoid =P).

[font="Book Antiqua"]“Cruelty”

Lost in hopelessness and confusion I stay,
My once vibrant world now covered in dreary gray.
For here I lie below this great canopy of shadow,
With no true light for my eyes to discern black from white.

At last a hole in the canopy I sight;
There is a bird on its perch in the pale moonlight!
Hark, my despairing heart, to the hope in its sacred* art!
I strain my ear to find the sounds my heart must hear.

Stop sorrowful suffering with soft sweet songs!
Why do you not give my heart that for which it longs?
The hole begins to close; the bird grants my heart no repose,
And its delay has now added to my heart’s dismay.

Lost in hopelessness and confusion I stay,
My once vibrant world now covered in dreary gray.
For here I lie below this great canopy of shadow,
With no true light for my eyes to discern black from white.
[/font]

Any suggestions on improving flow in my form?

(by the way all, criticisms welcome, you do not have to give a care about rhyme or form - it could just be the content you want to criticize which is also cool).


EDIT !!!!!

The * after sacred led to a footnote explaining I did not intend sacred to mean that the song itself was divine but rather is sacred because it's purpose is to glorify the One who is divine.

[Esoteric]

I don't know much about poetry, especially not traditional rhymes schemes (in other words, don't bother asking me the difference between a lymric and a sonnet, etc.) But here's your syllable scheme:

11 odd
12 even
6,8 (14) even
4,9 (13) odd

11
12
6,8
4,8

11
12
6,8
4,9

11
12
6,8
4,9

It's pretty consistent, but I found myself tripping over the 6,8 4,9 lines at first because they rhymed within themselves, and not with the next line as I expected after the first two. I can't help but wonder if Odd, Even, Odd, Even would sound better than Odd, Even, Even, Odd. But again, I'm not really sure, and admittedly there are some traditional rhyme schemes I don't like, so I'm bad at judging poetry.

'heart' or 'my heart" is used an awful lot--it began to sound redundant. I'd also prefer a little more variation in word usage, some richer verbs perhaps.

For good flow, I find the best feedback comes from giving the poem to people who’ve never read it and ask them to read it out loud once or twice while you listen. By doing so, you will be able to hear clearly where people are stumbling. If people continually have trouble with certain lines, you’ll know there’s a problem with them. And it's a good way in general to sense how others are perceiving your writing. I hope that helps.

[Wind]

you should post this at poetry.com and you could win a poetry contest

[Sparrowhawk]

[quote="Esoteric (post: 1225297)"]

'heart' or 'my heart" is used an awful lot--it began to sound redundant. I'd also prefer a little more variation in word usage, some richer verbs perhaps.

For good flow, I find the best feedback comes from giving the poem to people who’]

tyvm! Had not thought that I used heart too much before, but once you said it, I could see your point. Oh, and thanks for the idea about finding flow. As far as the internal rhyming, I knew that was a bit different but I like internal rhyming and (I thought) made it a little more interesting that what would have otherwise been an AA BB quatrain. As for that syllable short in one of the stanzas - i somehow must have miscounted twice

Thanks for the compliment Wind =) Not too sure I'm going to try it though - I am always tinkering with it and now I will be even more so since Esoteric pointed out the line short one syllable - I may also try to see if I can use heart a little less.

Thanks again for the replies, both of you!