CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Many of us here at CAA are aspiring writers. As a writer, constructive criticism is always welcome. The purpose of this thread is for writers to post links to their online works, be they fanfiction or original fiction and for other users to read them and post their comments. I got this idea from a TVTropes thread of a similar name. Let's do this!

Hmmm. I think that this isn't half-bad! I will admit to a lot of frustration in how limited and disorganized just posting on here can be- I also prefer to write in other venues, where I can modify better and have more options for posting.

I have the beginnings of my work on Blogspot.

http://squidoil.blogspot.com/

This sounds like running the guantlet for fun... XD

Excellent. Atria35, that was a very strong opening. I honestly wanted to know more.

I myself have started a Phoenix Wright fanfic based on a forum game I started here that never took off. That's okay though, for the fanfic will be excellent!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6793564/1/Nothing_But_Death

Thanks, Sting! For yours, for the prologue, I really liked the opening lines, and the commentary throughout. It was a nice contrast. But it went from past tense with the woman's actions/death to present tense after a few lines. You do need to change either one or the other.

The first chapter, first part- you might need to put either Pheonix's lines or the dialogue in italics to distinguish one speaker from another.

Third part- "Dude, you called me at like 10:30 P.M. Don't complain because I don't stay at my office 24/7." Sentences like this seem out-of-place with Pheonix's usual dialogue. He sounds like a young teenager. You might need to consider rewording.

There are also few paragraphs to be seen. Is this a stylistic choice? I'm not used to it, so I might need some time to get used to it. It's very bare-bones, with no description of emotions or setting or actions as they say things. Cell doors don't clang shut in the distance, nor is there an occasional shout from a guard as they speak to Chance in the jail.

But overall, I really did like the prologue- it drew me in! And the first chapter gave me a decent introduction into Pheonix's character (I'm guessing he's a slightly snarky, stressed lawyer? Not a white knight, for sure). I'd love to see the side characters fleshed out more later on.

I have a bunch of stuff posted online.

There's Fancy Dresses and Alternate Dimensions, which starts here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5689148/1_fancy_dresses_and_alternate_dimensions.html?cat=44
I'll have the 8th chapter of this done by midnight.

There's Orica, which I did for NaNoWriMo so it's incredibly rushed and choppy in about a million places: http://ladyrushia.deviantart.com/gallery/25443547 It's on my blog too, but DA is slightly easier to navigate.

There's Ginsaki, which is a Lucky Star fanfic with guns and stuff: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6136237/1/Ginsaki

There are also short stories and such posted on my blog, DA, and AC.

I'll be back later with some critiques.

Atria35 (post: 1463684) wrote:Thanks, Sting! For yours, for the prologue, I really liked the opening lines, and the commentary throughout. It was a nice contrast. But it went from past tense with the woman's actions/death to present tense after a few lines. You do need to change either one or the other.

The first chapter, first part- you might need to put either Pheonix's lines or the dialogue in italics to distinguish one speaker from another.

Third part- "Dude, you called me at like 10:30 P.M. Don't complain because I don't stay at my office 24/7." Sentences like this seem out-of-place with Pheonix's usual dialogue. He sounds like a young teenager. You might need to consider rewording.

There are also few paragraphs to be seen. Is this a stylistic choice? I'm not used to it, so I might need some time to get used to it. It's very bare-bones, with no description of emotions or setting or actions as they say things. Cell doors don't clang shut in the distance, nor is there an occasional shout from a guard as they speak to Chance in the jail.

But overall, I really did like the prologue- it drew me in! And the first chapter gave me a decent introduction into Pheonix's character (I'm guessing he's a slightly snarky, stressed lawyer? Not a white knight, for sure). I'd love to see the side characters fleshed out more later on.

Thank you Atria! I fixed the errors you pointed out. As for the style, I was going for a minimalistic approach, but now I realize that it bordered on beige prose. I've updated a new (short) chapter, trying to up the description. Thanks!

Atria,

The opening paragraphs you've provided are successful in getting the reader interested in what's happening. You make good use of the technique of starting your character off in a place where he isn't supposed to be/could turn into a bad situation for him. I also like how certain sentences such as "Under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t be an issue. Under these circumstances, Kirn could feel the executioner’s blade upon his neck" that provide a tension between good and bad, normal and abnormal. It's very easy to feel that a lot is at risk for Kirn even though we don't know much about what's going on at this point.

The only thing I caught was what I think is a typo where you wrote "Krin" instead of "Kirn."

Sting: I'm actually not familiar with the Phoenix Wright series, so I don't think I'll be able to give you much useful feedback on your fanfic, but if you have anything else you've posted online that you'd like to share I'll take a look at it.

Here's the beginning of a story I'm starting to write. http://www.christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=58281

Rushia, I just breezed through the Fancy Dresses story. I loved the absurdness and nonsensical style of the story, and particularly the snark in the narrative.

One thing that might have helped me to like it more is Molly having a reason to pick Amber. Even though this story is intended to have a crazy-random nature, I still had a little trouble with Molly never qualifying her choice, even by some absurd standard such as deciding Amber would look fashionably perfect sporting a parasol. It might have even been funnier (although perhaps a trope) if Molly had been looking for someone else but conscripted Amber because she was running out of time (or just bored with searching.)

But I enjoy this sort of writing and you've got a pretty good feel for it. Nice work.

OfficerSting (post: 1463680) wrote:Excellent. Atria35, that was a very strong opening. I honestly wanted to know more.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6793564/1/Nothing_But_Death

OfficerSting (post: 1463718) wrote:Thank you Atria! I fixed the errors you pointed out. As for the style, I was going for a minimalistic approach, but now I realize that it bordered on beige prose. I've updated a new (short) chapter, trying to up the description. Thanks!

Thank you- I'm glad you enjoyed it! And I will say that I liked the minimalistic approach for the opening. I don't know why it worked for me. But I will reread the updates (eventually- I'm a tad busy ATM, but I can do it tomorrow) for the fleshing out. I think you're right in saying it bordered on prose, but it doesn't need much.

LadyRushia (post: 1463744) wrote:Atria,

The opening paragraphs you've provided are successful in getting the reader interested in what's happening. You make good use of the technique of starting your character off in a place where he isn't supposed to be/could turn into a bad situation for him. I also like how certain sentences such as "Under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t be an issue. Under these circumstances, Kirn could feel the executioner’s blade upon his neck" that provide a tension between good and bad, normal and abnormal. It's very easy to feel that a lot is at risk for Kirn even though we don't know much about what's going on at this point.

Thank you very much, Rushia. I'm glad that you thought the dissonance between realisty and normality was done well- I've rarely written bits like that, and thought that was what I hadn't done well! You're right about the misspelling, though, 'Krin' is supposed to be 'Kirn'!

Esoteric (post: 1463773) wrote:Rushia, I just breezed through the Fancy Dresses story. I loved the absurdness and nonsensical style of the story, and particularly the snark in the narrative.

One thing that might have helped me to like it more is Molly having a reason to pick Amber. Even though this story is intended to have a crazy-random nature, I still had a little trouble with Molly never qualifying her choice, even by some absurd standard such as deciding Amber would look fashionably perfect sporting a parasol. It might have even been funnier (although perhaps a trope) if Molly had been looking for someone else but conscripted Amber because she was running out of time (or just bored with searching.)

But I enjoy this sort of writing and you've got a pretty good feel for it. Nice work.

Thank you muchly, and yeah the first couple chapters of this are a bit chunky simply because I was writing on a deadline (still am for each chapter I do since they're technically assignments that have to be in by a certain time) and literally just writing things without giving them much thought. Also, this is another story where each chapter is based on a given prompt, so that sometimes affects the outcome. It wasn't until the third chapter that I realized this thing has a serious plot (sort of) so I completely understand that some things don't make sense or need to be fleshed out more, especially in the beginning. I believe that I did give Molly a reason for choosing Amber, but it might not be in the first chapter. In fact, I'm pretty sure it isn't because I don't think I knew what it was back then, XD. When I finish this story, I'll go back and change what needs to be changed so the whole thing ties together better.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, though! This is the first time I've tried my hand at a satirical narrator and a satirical cracked up story in general so I'm happy that it works.