Leo of the Bridge

[Adorima]

“To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ...”
~ The Unreachable Star, Man of La Mancha

Leo of the Bridge
By: Adorima

We were all christened with a name that held all that a we are and all that we ever will be. The common practice of naming each new born child after desired attributes was not merely to give each one a goal which to aspire to, but to endow each one with the seed of those attributes from baptism. These things were commonplace, but each name remained as unique to the new born child as the child was to existence.
Claudia and Josephina were usually chosen for those who wanted their daughters to grow in dutiful virtue to their families.
Nicolae was a royal name. Augustus was just as sweeping and majestic in his personal vocation as their appellation betokened, many of them becoming great leaders in the land. Seafarers and merchants favored Dylan and Lorelei for their sons and daughters in order to continue the inclination to widen their family business while sailing across the ocean’s horizon. And then there were those who wished their children to mature into noble warriors.
These parents would choose their child’s bold and perhaps fearsome names, for a warrior needed not only courage, but command of their rank, even through intimidation. The name Marius was of arcane origin, but it had not lost it’s meaning - “war god.” It was used sparingly or paired with two or three other neutral names to ease a tendency to violence that the name Marius might bring. There was a great many other names for adults who aspire their babes to be knighted. One that had been exceedingly popular in times past and still enjoyed a steady usage, was Leopold.

The special boys who would take on this responsibility who were born on this feast day that came once every few years, however only one had been born in the past generation on that day. This was very special indeed. This boy was I. And I was granted the full name of Leopold Roland Dupont. It was known as mine on my birthday, the Feast day of Leopold the Lion. I am a White Knight.

~~~ More to come soon!

[Mr. Rogers]

I like this, so far. The power of names is a great way to start the story. ^^

[Wikiwalker]

I really like this. When I read this piece I felt like it was drawing me in and informing me without beating me with too much information at the start. It is very smooth writing. Smooth and gradual but not slow. I want to see the rest.

[Adorima]

I'm so happy guys! I'm glad you liked it Mr. Rogers and Wikiwalker!

Here's the rest although it's not edited quite like the first part is.

x*x*x

I dropped from my favorite oak tree, my mouth was covered with running pulp of peaches. It was nearing dinner time and to rid the evidence of my spoiled appetite I wiped my hands over the blouse I wore, a fawn-colored work of my mother's, and loosed a prompt eruct. Such were the times that I could behave in such a way. The sun had remained barely aloft the horizon for such a sweet golden time I could hardly pull away.

“Ah, praise the Lord for this beautiful day I have enjoyed.”

Strawberry blonde were the locks that I pulled into a loose plait, but I could not maintain the stray hairs that fell around my face. A face most ladies beheld welcoming and roundish. I would always answer with wide smiles wink my green eye, "Thank you, I had imagined a more verile countenance would grant me more reverence, but if it has granted me your affections instead, I would not change for all the kneeling in the Kingdom."

~*~*~
At the Northern Sea of Norman

The looseness of my blouse bubbled up in the tossing of the waves.

“Leo. Stop floundering in the water. We cannot squander the little time we have when we are at the last leg of our journey.” Dusk-haired Dylan cautioned his junior from atop his horse. “Must you indulge in frivolous play every time the opportunity presents itself?”
I couldn't help but laugh. “When is there a better time to enjoy this ocean than when you first get to it?”

~*~*~*

Admiring his fellow Cavalry-men

Augustus thought himself an equal but was clearly much more.
I could not understand why the man didn’t see it when all could not help but admit his greatness, as if he was an island of serenity in the crowd of chaos.

~*~*~


Meeting Yrsellyra:

“Why is it that you weep my lady? Your tears would melt a heart of stone.”
“What a stale flattery! Whatever the price is, you cannot compensate for the value of my interest.” She rose, drawing away from me as she wiped at her tears.
“Were my words too clumsy? I do not have the craft to flatter with sincerity and I fear my words can be nothing but sincere.”

The village Aeldestine in the south western region of the Kingdom of Gaul was the outpost for many...(yikes don't know how to finish this)

It is not the case that I am not young- it is that I am not young enough. At the age of 19 someone was expected the same things of himself as of a full fledged man. And indeed I had already grown into a full fledged man! Why, I could do the same things my brothers did. I knew how to win in a game of chess, I could fight as well as they did and…I could capture the heart a woman as well as any of them could. But I choose not to. In fact I am more of a man because of this very fact.

~*~*~




SOOO CUTE!

Sorry I love my Leo. Those were snippets that I wrote from several scenes in the story. But I didn't put them together in a plot yet. Hope you enjoyed as much as I did!

[Wikiwalker]

I think you should really try to tone down the flowery language a bit in this one, it can act as a barrier for readers. Cut out any unnecessary words and use active voice as much as possible. But while you cut down on the flowery prose make sure that you keep the flow as smooth as it was in the opening paragraph.

This isn't quite as important when using first person narration, depending on the character of the narrator, but also remember to let each character have his or her own voice. Try to make it so that you can tell who is speaking even without dialogue tags.

I do like your writing, it has a smooth quality that isn't quite like anything I've read before.

And because so many people (including myself) have trouble figuring out the difference between active and passive voice, and even when you do understand it it's still really hard to explain, my favorite grammar and style website Lynche's on the subject of active and passive voice.

[Adorima]

Hey Wiki, Thanks for the critique! I'm glad that you think my writing has a smooth quality and is unique! I will take a look at that passive/active voice resource. That is a problem of mine.

Just to explain about the dialogue tags, these scenes are all separate and I haven't put them together yet. If I hadn't put the titles describing the scenes you guys would have totally been lost because this is all I have so far. I do know that that's unacceptable writing in the final draft. I was just trying to clarify about what was going on at what time.

I really appreciate specific pointers like you had there. Thank you very much .