CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is just an experiment. I've already got a rough plot. (You can't really see it in this small part, though.)

Critiques would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

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“Look at them,â€

Are they gods? Their personalities almost made me picture Ryuk and Rem. I like the dynamics of their relationship, though I believe you ruined it a bit with the "Tanthos patted his shoulder comfortingly, but he didn't mean it and both of them knew it. There was no lost love between the two, regardless of being brothers." line which unnecesarily spelled what we could infer from their dialogue and also restricted it, stating flat-out that they don't really care for each other (up to then I was still wondering if theirs was just a rough relationship in the surface hiding a strong bond below), something that it would be more interesting to develop through their dialogue and their actions in the following chapters.

I also think the dialogue could use more work to be cohesive. For example, some of their musings hint that they are totally alien to the Earth's workings as they have to search for words and concepts such as "internet" and "amusement park". However, both of them seem to understand clearly the concept of earthly economics as one could presume for the way they address the petty thief affair. Also, both of them use language that is inherently tied to earth's culture such as "drama queen" and "soap opera". Finally, I believe that Thantos' introductory line is a bit weak. When a foreign intelligence observes the humanity and states its veredict I'd expect it to reproach the futility of war, the absurdity of social injustice and the vainty of the pitiful tasks and amusements they keep themselves occupied with, not the rather trivial offenses that he lists.

That being said, I like where it seems to be going, but I advice you not to take mine or anyone's opinion in consideration whether driving it to a conclusion or not. Writing, as all the arts come from the heart. If you love this story and you believe you can take it somewhere, by all means do so, even if in the process the whole world demands you to drop it. On the other hand, if it's just a passing fancy that entertained you for a couple hours and you may or may not feel interested to push it into a finished product, you might as well just drop it and pursue something that really motivates you.

Other people, better than myself, shall give you the advice on fine detail and grammar that I cannot, in all honestly, provide.

Wow, lot of writers coming out of the woodwork here lately. I'm having trouble keeping up with all the new threads!

Well...what do you think? Do you think the story is worth continuing? Because if you don't believe in it, it's going to be very hard for you to continue regardless of what others think.

It's dialog heavy, but I could follow the conversation very well. So...they're aliens? I like the idea of aliens taking a vacation, and even arguing about their destination. They just...don't seem very 'alien'. For thinking humans are so petty, irrational and proud, they fit the mold pretty well themselves. Maybe this is your point though (there isn't enough here for me to say whether is is supposed to be a satire, but if so, it's set up on the right track).

Just about any story is worth developing if you want to devote the time to it. It's up to you.

You're right, I guess. Thanks. I think I'll continue it. Arktos and Tanthos are already embedding themselves in my mind.

A satire? I didn't think of it as that when I wrote it. I wanted to get away from the stereotypical alien, though--green, three-eyed, and creepy. Not sure what you mean by satire.

Thanks!

Maokun (post: 1332004) wrote:Are they gods? Their personalities almost made me picture Ryuk and Rem. I like the dynamics of their relationship, though I believe you ruined it a bit with the "Tanthos patted his shoulder comfortingly, but he didn't mean it and both of them knew it. There was no lost love between the two, regardless of being brothers." line which unnecesarily spelled what we could infer from their dialogue and also restricted it, stating flat-out that they don't really care for each other (up to then I was still wondering if theirs was just a rough relationship in the surface hiding a strong bond below), something that it would be more interesting to develop through their dialogue and their actions in the following chapters.

I also think the dialogue could use more work to be cohesive. For example, some of their musings hint that they are totally alien to the Earth's workings as they have to search for words and concepts such as "internet" and "amusement park". However, both of them seem to understand clearly the concept of earthly economics as one could presume for the way they address the petty thief affair. Also, both of them use language that is inherently tied to earth's culture such as "drama queen" and "soap opera". Finally, I believe that Thantos' introductory line is a bit weak. When a foreign intelligence observes the humanity and states its veredict I'd expect it to reproach the futility of war, the absurdity of social injustice and the vainty of the pitiful tasks and amusements they keep themselves occupied with, not the rather trivial offenses that he lists.

That being said, I like where it seems to be going, but I advice you not to take mine or anyone's opinion in consideration whether driving it to a conclusion or not. Writing, as all the arts come from the heart. If you love this story and you believe you can take it somewhere, by all means do so, even if in the process the whole world demands you to drop it. On the other hand, if it's just a passing fancy that entertained you for a couple hours and you may or may not feel interested to push it into a finished product, you might as well just drop it and pursue something that really motivates you.

Other people, better than myself, shall give you the advice on fine detail and grammar that I cannot, in all honestly, provide.

Whoops, I didn't see this post.

I don't know Death Note too well, but I suppose Ryuk and Rem would fit their personalities. You've made some good points on the dialogue--some stuff I didn't realize while writing. Thank you!

I think I'll continue this. Although for the first chapter, I've got some work to do...