Still Working On A Secular YA Girls' Fantasy Series...

[MomoAdachi]

This thread is an update on something I posted her about two years ago when I was very new at the CAA, about a novel series I'm writing called "Nerissa Sanderson, The Part-Time Mermaid Of Sunshine Valley, California". No, it's not actually published, just a lil something I've been writing, basically for fun, that I do plan to have published someday. I decided to pull a Star Wars and right the last three books in the series first, and then right the rest in chronological order. So far, my progress is I wrote an "extra/companion" book to the series, "A Mermaid's Christmas", and I'm currently more than halfway done with "A Mermaid's Heartbreak", the "official" last book in the series.

[Esoteric]

Good luck to you! Have you put any sections up for critiques before?

[MomoAdachi]

I can't post actual excerpts right now 'cause they're on a different computer than the one I'm currently on, but here's a synopsis of the concept of the series(sorta similar to what would be on the back of the first book in the series):

Nerissa Sanderson's your typical, insecure, young teenage girl: she wears glasses and braces, hates her naturally frizzy hair, has a crush on popular, cute Adam Fonda, and is the most mediocre swimmer on her school's junior varsity swimming team. Just when she thinks her life couldn't get any more painfully ordinary, she receives a most extraordinary-and unexpected-surprise on her fifteenth birthday. If turns out that the father she always thought was dead is not only really alive...he isn't even human, he's a merman, and not just any merman, the king of an underwater kingdom of Pacifica.
Soon, Nerissa's previously dull life turns into a complex magical adventure, and nothing will ever be the same for her again.

The series' tagline is: "Nerissa's life just got a whole lot FISHIER!", I know it's cheesy, but it should grab readers' attention well enough

[Esoteric]

Mmhmm. I can't honestly say that similar plots have never been done, but then again it's not an original idea which makes a good story, but the the telling of it. There aren't a lot of us down here in the writing forum, but if you ever want to put something up, constructive criticism from others (even though it can be painful at times) is really the only way to gauge your skills and improve.
If you enjoy writing enough to really try and get published, you might consider finding and joining a dedicated writer's group which will give you valuable support and feedback and on your work. The best professional writing advice you can get will naturally be from other professionals.

[MomoAdachi]

OK, here's an excerpt from "The Mermaid's Christmas"(WARNING: as this is actually the last book in the series, technically you could definately call this spoilers, and as this is happening very late in the series, Nerissa is a young adult here, newly married to a merman named Zale, it probably won't seem to have much connection to the synopsis I already posted, and this focuses mainly on supporting characters Violet and Coral not Nerissa herself, but at least you'll get a taste of my writing style to critique. I also hope, with this being a Christian site, that nothing in this excerpt is objectionable to any of you, as it is a secular fantasy in nature):

One of the tasks Lady Violet and Lady Coral performed as Princess Nerissa's Ladies-in-Waiting was making her and Zale's bed every morning after breakfast. Violet glanced wistfully at the stunning sea-oil-on-seaweed-canvas royal portrait of them that hung over their soft, cozy seasponge bed. It was remarkable how well the artist had captured not only the happy couple's exquisite looks, but the gleam of potent mutual romantic adoration in their eyes as well. "Rissie and Zale are so crazily in love, and they're just so perfect for each other. I wish I had what they had," she said breathlessly, really more to herself than to Coral.
Coral couldn't resist letting an annoyed groan escape from her lips. "Not again, Vi. There is more to a Sea Nymph's life than just happily settling down with the right Consort, you know?".
Not surprisingly, this did not convince Violet. "Yeah, I guess, but I would rather die than end up an 'old mermaid'. I mean, I'm 18, and all the guys I've gone out with were smelly human losers". Sea Nymphs and their Consorts never referred to themselves as mermaids or mermen except as insults, as those terms were human in origin and as such were considered highly offensive.
"I understand that, Vi, but you know you can't force or rush true love. I don't really think fluttering your eyelashes and shaking your flukes at practically every eligible Consort who swims your way is going about it the right way. I wish you could see how foolish and desperate you've been making yourself look. You just have to let things happen naturally, and when you finally do meet your Mr. Right, you'll know".
Violet rolled her eyes. "That's real easy for you to say, Cor. You're such a shy loner, you've never gone out with any creatures of the male persuasion, human or Sea Nymph Consort. Even that leg-walking dork Skeevy Lighthale wouldn't date you. Every time a hot guys asks you to dance, you're all 'I'm flattered, but no thank you, I don't like dancing'. It would be unwise to take your love advice with any less of a grain of sea-salt than that from a shark!", she retaliated nastily.
Her friend's spitefulness astonished and enraged Coral. With her hands on her hips, she confronted Violet, "Look, you have no right to take your moodiness out on me. All our lives, I've always been right there at your side, ready to bail you out of whatever wacky scrape you've gotten yourself into, and, believe me, there's been a lot of them. If you'll pardon me saying so myself, I can't imagine how I could have ever been a better friend to you. I never overly minded, since you were always a really good friend to me too, but ever since Zale and Rissie's wedding, the only Sea Nymph you seem to care about is yourself. You don't even seem to have time for your Sea Familiars any more, the poor little things are probably going to end up dying of broken hearts thanks to your abandonment". Every Sea Nymph had three Sea Familiars(a fish, a dolphin, and a seahorse), special sea-animal friends who are so magically bonded with them that if one dies before their time, their Sea Nymph dies too.
Violet rolled her eyes again, this time so far back into her head that Coral wondered if she could see the top of her brain. "Duh, everyone knows that Familiars do nothing but humiliate their Nymphs when they're trying to get a Consort".
Now it was Coral's eyes' turn to roll. "Whatever. All I know is there is a specific human word for what you've been acting like these past few months, but since us Sea Nymphs are supposed to be ladies, I won't say it".
Violet shook her head in disgust. "You just don't want to admit that you've always been secretly jealous of me, and you know it!".
Coral laughed mercilessly. "Me? Jealous? OF YOU?! That is, without a doubt, the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my entire laugh, and with a so-called best friend like you, I've heard some pretty darn ludicrous things. Tell me, why in all of the twenty Sea Nymph kingdoms would I be jealous of an utterly brainless, totally self-obssessed, ultra-vain, completely shameless little tart of a mermaid like you!".
Violet couldn't believe her ears. Sea Nymphs NEVER treated each other this cruelly, especially not ones who have been BFFs since they took their first swims. While of course, her and Coral have had some disagreements throughout the years, never before had they resorted to petty name-calling. Sure, perhaps, I did say some things I shouldn't have, and maybe I have been too preoccupied with finding a mate, she admitted quietly to herself under her breath as she swam out of Nerissa and Zale's bedchamber, leaving Coral to finish making their bed alone. But, as far as I'm concerned, there's still no excuse for calling me a brainless, self-obsessed tart! I'll never forgive her! I'm never speaking to her again! NEVER!

[Esoteric]

Okay, yes that's a nice sized snippet. I'll admit, I really don't know much about writing for the YA market, since I only tend to only write stuff for adults. So, I don't feel qualified to comment much on the style. I will say that over all it flows well, and you certainly try to make the characters very visible. Occasionally, it's too much though...
Some examples:

It would be unwise to take your love advice with any less of a grain of sea-salt than that from a shark!", she retaliated nastily.

We don't need the extra tag. It should be quite obvious from the dialog itself that she's being 'nasty'.

With her hands on her hips, she confronted Violet, "Look, you have no right to take your moodiness out on me.

Again, in this situation, we shouldn't need to be told that Coral is being 'confrontational'. It's evident they're having a fight. Too many extra tags can become distracting to the reader and actually detract from the situation.

Sea Nymphs and their Consorts never referred to themselves as mermaids or mermen except as insults, as those terms were human in origin and as such were considered highly offensive.

You say this is the last book--Does this fact never come up until now? It just seemed like a bit of extra information which wasn't all that relevant at this point in time.

That is, without a doubt, the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my entire laugh,

--A typo. I could also swear that I've heard an almost identical line in a movie before...oh yes, in the Christmas Story. The scene where the leg lamp breaks, the wife says: "That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... The ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!" The similarity actually made me laugh, which might not be the reaction you want. Then again, others probably won't be reminded of that scene like I was. Yeah, I'm weird.

On a side note, I might suggest a book called Characters and Viewpoint, written by Orson Scott Card. It is one from a whole series of books called The Elements of Writing Fiction. I found Card's book to be very insightful about how to write good characters and the methods for conveying information about them to the reader.

Again, I wish you luck with your writing. You're off to a good start. If you haven't already, I would recommend that you study the works of other current YA writers and see how they write. Maybe you can learn some tips and techniques from studying them too. A writer always strives to improve!

[MomoAdachi]

Yes, Esoteric, I sometimes flip through my favorite books of similar genre while I'm writing, and some of those writers do overuse tags and state the obvious often going on and on about the characters' looks, clothing, personality, and the like, some find it annoying and shallow but I never did mind it that much. It's also common in series books to remind the readers of details of the series' universe, probably just in case they haven't read the other books, which, yes, IS annoying to avid series fans(and is kinda boring to write), but is helpful to newbies who are confused as to what's going on.
Anyways, arigato gozaimasu for the constructive criticism. I don't mean to argue w/ya, I'm just explaining/clarifying some things. Obviously I don't intend my writing to be the next "War And Peace", just entertaining teenage girlie fantasy fluff.

[Esoteric]

I don't mean to argue w/ya, I'm just explaining/clarifying some things. Obviously I don't intend my writing to be the next "War And Peace", just entertaining teenage girlie fantasy fluff.

Understood. As I said, I'm no expert on the genre. So if you're writing what they're writing, then yup, you should be on target for your audience.