CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Author Note: I seem to have a tendency for writing sad stories. Well, right now it is 1:42 AM, I am tired, and cannot get this one person off my mind. I swear, sometimes I wish I was a Vulcan...regardless, I suppose this passage was written to demonstrate the pain we go through when, after all the work we have put into making someone happy, they turn and break our hearts.

Shattered Dreams

The girl sat upon the bench in the park, silently awaiting his arrival. The red glow of the sunset at her back, she stared as her shadow increased in length in front of her. Her pseudo-body elongated and stretched, misshapen. The children in the park left, one by one, as the night approached, and soon even the sounds of the city behind her faded. She clutched her purse to her body, but continued to sit. The trees around her fell silent, the flowers closing their heads. The park’s pond reflected the light of many stars, and she raised her head to look into the sky. The stars shone on her pink dress, its intricacies understandable only to someone who put their entire heart into choosing it. The shoes she wore matched her dress, and the bow that hung from her long, flowing hair contrasted nicely with her smooth complexion. The light of the ever present moon, in its eternal cycle, revealed something more; the tears sliding down her cheeks.

It is indeed sad. I could see this dressed up with some flowery imagery to be quite poetic.

Would you like constructive criticism?

Of course. This is nothing more than descriptive practice, and I acknowledge the overdone melodrama contained within the passage. Any other things to point out would be much appreciated. I always seek to become a better writer.

The girl sat upon the bench in the park, silently awaiting his arrival. The red glow of the sunset at her back, she stared as her shadow increased in length It would sound more poetic if you consolidated the verb and prepositional phrase into one word such as "lengthened." in front of her. Her pseudo-body elongated and stretched, misshapen. The children in the park left, one by one, as the night approached, and soon even the sounds of the city behind her faded. She clutched her purse Describe the purse. to her body, but continued to sit. The trees around her fell silent, the flowers closing their heads Unless the flowers were in the trees making noise, I would break this into two different sentences.. The park’s pond reflected the light of many stars, and she raised her head to look into the sky I would rephrase this sentence to more strongly correlate the two clauses.. The stars shone on her pink dress, its intricacies To me, the word "intricacies" here implies the needlework, etc. If that is not what you intend, then different word choice is probably in order. understandable only to someone who put their entire heart into choosing it. The shoes she wore matched her dress, and the bow that hung from her long, flowing hair contrasted nicely with her smooth complexion You might put in something about the ribbbon being limp. To me, limp ribbons always seem sad. . The light of the ever Check to see if you need a hyphen here. present moon, in its eternal cycle The commas enclosing this prepositional phrase are superfluous., revealed something more;Since this second clause cannot stand alone as a sentence, you should change the semicolon to a colon. the Unless you have a specific reason for including this "the," I would omit it. tears sliding down her cheeks.