Novel

[Ante Bellum]

I rewrote the prologue to my novel, so hopefully it sounds better.

_____________

Mythril was sitting in the bar, waiting. She raised her hand and summoned the barkeeper, who came over with an expectant look on his face. Mythril didn't bother ordering any more drinks, though. There was still a large chunk of bread, now slightly stale from being left out in the air, sitting in front of her.
“Did you happen to see anybody with a long red coat before I arrived?â€

[Ante Bellum]

“Who are they?â€

[Esoteric]

This....this seems strangely familiar. Did you post a version of it once before?
If so, then this is a vast improvement over what I remember reading in terms of flow and style. The opening is good with nice description but I would have liked some clues there telling that this wasn't a medieval or human world. It's not until halfway through that I realize they represent two alien species out of many. That info seemed to come a little late. Maybe if you casually describe some of the other 'species' hanging around in the bar, it would remove the confusion, but again, the descriptions and writing are very good.

Um...there's just one more (very important) problem I see. I really don't understand why they had a meeting. Let me explain:

They aren't friends. They aren't co-workers. You tell us that these two met recently and "not on good terms". Neymos seems very busy, impatient and very serious. She also doesn't seem to be in the market for new friends. Because of these impressions, she doesn't strike me as the sort who would patronize the curious, carefree Mythril with a meeting of no 'value' to her. In other words, Neymos doesn't seem like the sort who would bother explaining herself, just because someone asked.
Mythril is supposed to be curious, but acts more bored and skeptical than anything. She seems to be the one who wanted this meeting, yet she carelessly derides Neymos' by addressing her in such a flippant familial manner, even after it's apparent she doesn't like it. That's just not tactful--not when you want something from a person. I just don't get what could have brought them together in that bar.

Now, that's not to say I don't understand why you've made these characters so different. It's a classic method for developing great character tension and dynamic. But as the reader, I need to see something more apparent drawing these two together. It can be something tangible like a job, or intangible like emotional gratification (i.e. maybe Neymos came in spite of her personality because her pride subconsciously craves sympathy or admiration.) But I have to 'get' the reason, or my gut's not going to buy it.

I realize this is probably a very discouraging response and I'm sorry to seem like such a downer. Really, the last thing I intend to do is discourage you--I only want to help you improve your character logic and make you story awesome. It really shouldn't take too much to fix the subtle vacuum of purpose either. You have a very interesting premise here and I think it can lead to a great novel. Best of luck with it!

[Ante Bellum]

No, I get what you're saying. It should be familiar, I rewrote something that was previously posted here. Mostly, the main reason I wrote it again was because I needed some writing examples quickly and already had the idea down, and wanted to see if I could improve it. I know I want this scene to be in the story somehow.
I was playing with the idea of placing this section farther in instead of it being a prologue.
The deal with Neymos is that the Vertreidrdaen have kind of been forgotten about, but they (along with her) carry this sort of pride. Mythril's species is so common that it's not special to see one anymore, while the Vertreidrdaen have remained mostly cut off or hidden. There's a whole story to it, I haven't worked everything out yet though.
I suppose that when they met (after things had calmed down) Mythril had requested the meeting and Neymos agreed, looking to show some of that pride. It's rough and needs a lot of work to get it all figured out though. (Edit: I just remembered that there is a reason Neymos would even notice Mythril, it's because of an "obsolete" blade that Mythril sometimes carries around for no reason, and it's made of a holy metal that is extremely precious to demon hunters.)
I did write this in a few days at most because I had a limited amount of time, so there was virtually no editing done.

Thanks for your time though, I did miss what you brought up while I was writing. Actually, if I need to provide something of an explanation I could throw in that I've thought up so far.

[Esoteric]

The deal with Neymos is that the Vertreidrdaen have kind of been forgotten about, but they (along with her) carry this sort of pride. Mythril's species is so common that it's not special to see one anymore, while the Vertreidrdaen have remained mostly cut off or hidden. There's a whole story to it, I haven't worked everything out yet though.
I suppose that when they met (after things had calmed down) Mythril had requested the meeting and Neymos agreed, looking to show some of that pride. It's rough and needs a lot of work to get it all figured out though. (Edit: I just remembered that there is a reason Neymos would even notice Mythril, it's because of an "obsolete" blade that Mythril sometimes carries around for no reason, and it's made of a holy metal that is extremely precious to demon hunters.)

Ah, okay. This makes much more sense. The meeting takes on much more meaning with the blade. I can see Neymos agreeing to a meet and exchange of information if Mythril 'keeps her end of the bargain' and brings the blade. I could see Neymos hoping to maybe buy or otherwise obtain it from her. Pride works too, Neymos seeking admiration, recognition for her race and accomplishments--but it will be harder to show--you'll have to weave a subtle taste of it into her displeasure at Mythril's manners. The only question I might possibly have then, is if Vertreidrdaen have a reason for hiding...would Neymos jeopardize them by 'talking?' Still, maybe they aren't hiding for their own safety, or maybe acquiring the blade makes it worth such risks. But yeah, I understand it better now, thanks!

[Ante Bellum]

It's not for their safety. What I've planned so far is, there was a really long war in the past, when they were all still Vertreidrdaen and Aeuruch (which is a race connected to the Vertreidrdaen but don't have wings). The darkness of the war began to change them, and a small group left and travelled north. While the ones still fighting became Chaithk and the Aeuruch's counterpart, the Hiehrsh, the ones that travelled north kept their demon-hunting abilities, which is the main thing that sets the races apart.
Vertreidrdaen are born from a very rare gene carried by Aeuruch, and cannot reproduce. So, the only way a Vertreidrdaen is born is from Aeuruch parents. Chaithk, on the other hand, can actually reproduce, and the "Chaithk gene" is much more common.
The group that travelled north had to remain hidden while they adjusted to the new land, built settlements, and also built up an army. Once they had done so, they joined the war again to combat the Chaithk/Hiehrsh. Then they opened up trade with allies and built up their economy.
Once the Erelock/Silencer war started, they withdrew (to the point of destroying the bridges that connected their island to the larger continent) and began research on Project Silencer. Again, after the war was over they emerged, but haven't really done anything to be noticed by anyone but world leaders.