Hey everyone.

[Aedin]

I wanted to make a post, a thread, that would help people understand me more, and help clear up what I view as miscommunications between me and some members of the board.

I'm still going to, but Nate mentioned going to a psychiatrist instead of a councelor (which we're trying to make an appointment with a team of psychiatrists to figure out if I have something wrong with me) and last time I saw my doctor (medical doctor) he mentioned the possiblity of me having mood disorders or personality disorders. I'm still going to make the other post, to explain everything from my point of view (though I realize now I did hurt people and I didn't mean to, and I ignored people and didn't mean to) but the post is kindof emotional, so it'll take me time to write it all out.

I'm not self-diagnosing, but I was reading about mood and personality disorders on wikipedia, just to see if I could find something that sounds similar to what I have. I found three things, that I hope everyone will read.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non_verbal_learning_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

I believe I also show signs of Narcisstic personality disorder. I hope maybe reading these articles will help people on this site understand me more, and I hope it'll help you all forgive me. A lot of you, from my perspective, seem to think of me a certain way, a bad way, and I Never intended to make that happen.

[Yuki-Anne]

Aedin. DUDE.

I can say from personal experience that I didn't even know who you were until I started frequenting the prayer forum. So I had no preconceived notions about you or anything, and I had no way of thinking about you, because I didn't know you. And for the record, I still don't think badly of you. In fact, I think it's encouraging that even with all of your problems, you still take time out to pray for me. That's cool, dude.

As a psychology major, I'm going to caution you that it's rather dangerous to find a disorder and label yourself. I know you're not saying that you have these things, but now you're going to be wondering and thinking that you probably do. But many times, a label can hurt more than help. I've seen people who were making progress with their various issues, but then they were diagnosed, and they just kind of gave up. "Whelp, I'm bipolar, so... it's a physical issue and I don't need to try to surpass it, because I can't help it."

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but be careful about this sort of thing. And also, I know you're not self-diagnosing, but even so, you should probably talk to professionals about this sort of thing.

Now, Aedin, as your friend (or at least, someone willing to be your friend), I want to say this: your issues are with a FEW PEOPLE. So instead of posting all over the site to clear up your issues with a FEW PEOPLE, it might be a better idea to either talk about it in pm, or let it drop and just let those people think what they will. One thing I learned in my quest to be a whole, mature, not-depressed person, is that people will think what they think, but it really has no effect on me. I am who I am, and if others don't like it, why should that torture me? People are people, and some sorts of people don't work well with other sorts of people. If those who know me see something in my character that needs fixing, well, yes, I'll listen to them. But if it's as you say, and people are making judgments without knowing you, then... why should that bother you? They're not spreading it around to turn everyone against you. They're telling you what they think. It's up to you whether what they say has value or not, but to spread out the problems to other people who really have no idea is probably not the best way to deal with it.

So if you're having issues with, again, A FEW PEOPLE, I think it'd be best if you either dealt with it directly with them in pm's, or just accepted that they feel that way and moved on. There's no need to post about who you want us "all" to forgive you, because we aren't some mass without individual feelings. There are a few people who may be angry, but CAA as a whole has nothing against you. Stop lumping us all into one group. You'll probably feel better once you see us as individuals instead of some angry internet mob that's chasing after you with pitchforks.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Edit: Disregard this.

[Aedin]

I tried PMing some of the people, most of them won't respond to me or talk to me. I didn't want people to understand me, just to clear things up with what happened in the prayer threads. I wanted people to understand me, so that I don't know, that stuff doesn't happen again, so people know me better.

YOu can lock this thread if you want. I Just don't get what's wrong with wanting people to know me and understand me, because maybe if I'm right, and they're judging me without knowing me, maybe if they understand me, things will be different. I want to fix things instead of let them go. Problems with this site already made me OD once, you don't know how it'll affect me if I just leave it alone and don't do anything to try to fix things and reconcile.

Please just close this thread. I Just made another stupid mistake.

[Yuki-Anne]

Aedin. Buddy. Come here, let me give you a hug.

It's not stupid or wrong to want people to understand you. I'm not telling you to shut up and deal. I'm sorry if that's the impression you got from my post. It's just that a lot of times people are going to feel the way they're going to feel, and you can't fix that. But you know what? It's okay! It really is okay. Sometimes, if you leave things alone for a while, they fix themselves.

The worst thing about message boards, too, is that it's hard to know what a person actually means when they say something. It's really easy to read in to what people are saying, especially if you're feeling like you're just a really annoying person that no one would ever want to be around. Been there. But most of the time people aren't as angry as you think they are. And even if they are, those feelings pass. Haven't you written things during a really emotional period that you went back and felt embarrassed by? Maybe some of the people who seem mad at you did the same thing.

[rocklobster]

Aedin, as far as I know you don't even have a strike yet. Let me give you some advice from a good dr. Dr. Seuss:
"Be who you are and the people who don't matter won't mind; and the people who mind won't matter."

[Yuki-Anne]

Isn't it, "The people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter"?

[Dante]

As a psychology major,

Ah, a psych major! You wouldn't happen to dabble about in Jungian/Analytical Psychology would you? I've been reading up on these things for my personal pet disorders. I am currently reading E. Fromm's Anatomy of Human Destructiveness and C.G. Jung's Aion and have read quite a few others. Have you read any work in this area? (I should note that I am NOT a psychologist though)

...I believe I also show signs of Narcissistic personality disorder....

Aedin! Glad to see you again. Although I must admit that I was hoping you'd be doing better. First off, why narcissism? Are you trying to say that you look at yourself in the mirror and feel a deep sense of awe at your chiseled frame? Or that you view yourself as vastly unappreciated for the gleaming glory you grant the world with your mere existence?

Then why are you making a post that screams, "Please accept me, even though I'm pathetically flawed with five quoted psychological labels and one that I'm afraid to quote with a link! I am evil and hurt people!!!"? Because, if you consider those two concepts (I'm horribly flawed / I'm perfect and godlike), you really seem to be talking about two different things. But there is something you could be doing that would match up with that most nasty original post -- beating the living crud out yourself.

I mean, I have to ask a question. Why is your self-esteem in the garbage can and why are you kicking yourself on the ground while you're already bleeding to death? Sorry, but nobody has to be mean to you Aedin. From what I gather, you're already your own worst enemy... but you're also your own best friend.

So here is my idea- which is only a hypothesis, but you can tell me what you think.

1) What if Aedin isn't mean and unfriendly, but Aedin has aspects of himself that are mean and unfriendly. After all, you were just downright cruel to yourself in that first post. Brutal in fact. So then, if there is Aedin the cruel, there is also Aedin the victim, who is suffering from an aspect of himself.

2) As noted, we can't call this your "entire self" because the person posting seems to be suffering and not gaining pleasure from it, at all. This aspect is almost repressed completely from the post. So then, would I be wrong in saying that your "cruelty" could be part of your shadow?

3) Your shadow in analytical psychology represents all the things about you that you can't accept. So then, if there was an aspect of you that could act sadistic towards others but you actively stopped yourself from acting on this, and couldn't accept your desire to do this as a part of "you", it would be repressed into "your shadow". It is you, but you won't recognize it because you couldn't possibly be that vision of absolute evil. Unfortunately though (In Pascal's theory of psychology) if this repressed portion of your subconscious can't act on others, it might find a new individual to take it's sadistic nature out on... you.*

4) And so begins the path of self torture. It convinces you to hate yourself, then it gets you to write posts that put you down, it even tries to push you to physically harm yourself. It might even slip out once and a while, when you're too weak to fight it, and hurt others while leaving you entirely unconscious of it's activities. And of course, if it were to destroy Aedin... perhaps Aedin fears that it could suddenly hurt others without restraint, that no one would be there to check it's vicious nature from hurting his friends, companions and loved ones.

But if that is true... then there is also within Aedin a second character that we've left out. Unsung, noble and beautiful in accordance to the will of his creator.

This is one who takes the path of the hero. After all, if Aedin is being hurt by this thing, he must be standing in it's way, and if he's standing in it's way, he's fighting it to defend those he cherishes (including strangely enough, himself), and that is nothing short of those defining moments that characterize all great heroes. His depression then is a symbol of birth, battle death and rebirth, time and time again as he attempts to descend into the darkness and come out tested and true against the evil he finds in his own heart. The depression is the darkness the hero experiences in their journey, like Jonah going in the belly of the whale or Christ's decent into Hell to gain the keys of life and death. Aidin is also a hero, and he is fighting valiantly against a terrible villain of absolute evil that he may never be able to fully vanquish but must continuously submit beneath the power of his own soul.

But this villain, I believe, also makes a mistake in this piece, because it writes the word narcissism (and it is so afraid of this, that it does not even dare provide a wiki-link).

Narcissism, we may recall, inevitably means a perversion of loving oneself. But of course, if one's innermost villains were to describe something of their bane, they wouldn't present it with flowery words, but with curses and spitting - so he writes narcissism and not love of self. But this is perhaps what the shadow in Aidin fears most, that Aedin may one day love himself so greatly that he would be immune to the slings and arrows of his own shadow of self-sadism; that he would be simultaneously capable of repressing his most evil sadistic feelings from others and fully immune from it's self-destruction from within - because a healthy love of self can be the root of both.

Of course, I could be wrong. But I'll provide a curious exercise all the same. Not a sure-fire test, but I think it can tell Aiden a great deal about this whole thing. It is simple really, speak the following out loud clearly and distinctly. Right now. I even encourage my other readers to join him, he could use the support! Now then, yell after me with absolute intent on recognizing the following!

"I am feeling warm and loving toward myself!"

"I am worthy of all the good in my life!"

"I am a child of God, and I have more then I need!"

"I am happy that I always do the best I can with what I know
and always use everything for my advancement!"

"I am forgiving myself unconditionally!"

"I am grateful for my life!"

"I am loving and accepting myself and others!"

"I am treating all problems as opportunities to grow in wisdom and love."

"I am relaxed, trusting in a higher plan that's unfolding for me."

"I am automatically and joyfully focusing on the positive."

"I am giving myself permission to live, love and laugh!"

"I am creating and singing affirmations to create a joyful, abundant, fulfilling life!"

**

Now for something of a possible answer (and note I'm not a psychologist). Supposing you place some amount of symbolic power in words; if you could yell the above phrases out without any twitch on the emotional dial, then you perhaps have a healthy love of self - that's all it will say. But if you couldn't yell them out (even in private), or felt that twinge of pain in reading one, perhaps you've just found your own inner darkness. A narcissist, I think, could bellow these phrases with ease, but someone who suffers from a lack of self worth might even feel a sting from their statement, as though the arrow hit the mark too close to home and one didn't want to speak on the matter. As though they weren't worthy. And if a phrase strikes you in reading it, now or in repetition, like a bolt of agony, congratulations, you've just stabbed the beast within in it's heart, and have hurt it truly for the first time since it began to hurt you.

That stated, these words are far more then mere vision, they are also a potent initial weapon in subduing your inner force of self destruction. To use them to fight the darkness within, repeat them. Repeat them until you believe them and make special emphasis on those phrases that hit closest to home.

That is what I think. But I may be far off. Even still, I hope all of us that suffer from inner emotional pain will one day be free. Best of luck to you Aedin. Remember, you are the hero of your own story - you mustn't fail, you're life is too valuable to be left dying a thousand small deaths in this misery. Also, please don't "OD" either, if you were to die by your own hand, you would only fulfill this things greatest pleasure, to force you to give your enemies pleasure and your closest loved ones the worst imaginable pain. Please do whatever you can to save yourself - you are the hero of the story!

-Pascal

*On top of this, the original post doesn't really count as accepting your dark side either. You just say nasty things about yourself and say you've hurt others, but qualify yourself as good at the same time by trying to claim it as a mistake, something that really wasn't your intent.

**I've restated these almost verbatim from Life 101 by Peter McWilliams. I realize that some Christians may find his work rather odd, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend his books for their keen ability to provide a humorous and often insightful view of many of life's problems. If you like his ideas, keep them for yourself, if not, follow his request and toss them aside.

[Yuki-Anne]

Ah, a psych major! You wouldn't happen to dabble about in Jungian/Analytical Psychology would you? I've been reading up on these things for my personal pet disorders. I am currently reading E. Fromm's Anatomy of Human Destructiveness and C.G. Jung's Aion and have read quite a few others. Have you read any work in this area? (I should note that I am NOT a psychologist though)

It's been a couple of years since I took any classes dealing with Jung. In fact, it's been a couple of years since I took any psychology classes at all; I finished my emphasis early on in my college career, and was left with basics for the last year and a half, so I'm rusty on some of the concepts. As for Jungian Psychology, I admit to a sad ignorance. My interest was mostly in Cognitive-Behavioral Psychology, like the work of Albert Ellis. But even then, I didn't read as much as I probably should have.

That being said... I really liked the way you put this.

[rocklobster]

Isn't it, "The people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter"?

Thanks. I thought I got it wrong.

[Aedin]

There's so much to respond to, I had to copy it all into a word program to make it so I could reply section by section.

First off, Yuki, the fact that I took your response so bad, just shows me more how messed up I am.

Second, Pascal, you have a lot for me to respond to, so I have to respond in sections.



"Aedin! Glad to see you again. Although I must admit that I was hoping you'd be doing better. First off, why narcissism? Are you trying to say that you look at yourself in the mirror and feel a deep sense of awe at your chiseled frame? Or that you view yourself as vastly unappreciated for the gleaming glory you grant the world with your mere existence?

Then why are you making a post that screams, "Please accept me, even though I'm pathetically flawed with five quoted psychological labels and one that I'm afraid to quote with a link! I am evil and hurt people!!!"? Because, if you consider those two concepts (I'm horribly flawed / I'm perfect and godlike), you really seem to be talking about two different things. But there is something you could be doing that would match up with that most nasty original post -- beating the living crud out yourself."

To the first part: that's why I said I believe I show signs of narcissism, instead of just saying I believe I have narcissism. Because, intentional or not (I really have no idea why I do most of what I do anymore) I can be a pretty self-centered guy. I don't mean to, I never mean to, but it happens, and I think it happens a lot. Though actually, I do think I'm misunderstood a lot. I don't think that has anything to do with narcissism, but I saw you say "unappreciated" and the first thing I thought of is "misunderstood".

To the second part: that's part of why I believe I show signs of borderline personality disorder. I'm just so weird and complicated. I want to be known, understood, loved. I want to feel like I matter, and that there's a community that will support me and play games with me and talk about anime with me and be friends with me and all that. Except I hate myself so much, I feel so impossible to deal with, I'm so used to people leaving me, abandoning me, or thinking I'm hopeless, that I don't know. I just hate myself. I honestly don't see how anyone can care about me or love me or truly be there for me and support me. I'm reading books about God's love and his presence, Lynna gave me a book suggestion and I ordered it from amazon. I'm reading books about forgiveness, and I'm trying to learn about forgiveness, and how to forgive, and all that, but it's really hard. I've been abandoned so much, and it's especially hard on this site, cause there's quite a few people on this site who hurt me, a lot, and most of them don't seem to care at all. And I know, you're supposed to forgive even if they aren't sorry, and one of my books covers that, but it still hurts to think they may not even care. I came here from a site full of people who insulted and mocked everyone, never cared, and then went on about what great Christians they are. It just hurts to think the people who hurt me, may not even care. ANd now I'm trying not to break down crying. Awesome. That's not your fault Pascal, there's just a lot going through my head, which I can't post here, but will post somewhere else, once I have the post finished.

"I mean, I have to ask a question. Why is your self-esteem in the garbage can and why are you kicking yourself on the ground while you're already bleeding to death? Sorry, but nobody has to be mean to you Aedin. From what I gather, you're already your own worst enemy... but you're also your own best friend."

I wish I knew the answer to that. Maybe the psych team I'm trying to get an appointment will help me find out why. YOu're right, noone has to be mean to me. I have enough problems as it is. That's why it hurts so much when people do hurt me, especially when most of it is caused by a misunderstanding, whether of me or of situations. That's also why it hurts so much that most of the people I've tried to reconcile with, won't PM me back. Why it hurts that whether it's true or not, it hurts that it feels like most of the people who hurt me may not even care. I am also far from being my own best friend. I think the amount of self-hatred I've shown is evident of that.

"So here is my idea- which is only a hypothesis, but you can tell me what you think.

1) What if Aedin isn't mean and unfriendly, but Aedin has aspects of himself that are mean and unfriendly. After all, you were just downright cruel to yourself in that first post. Brutal in fact. So then, if there is Aedin the cruel, there is also Aedin the victim, who is suffering from an aspect of himself."

I think that's probably true. I think it's true of most people as well. Clearly I've hurt some people, and been completely unaware of it. I do have aspects of myself that are mean and unfriendly. I Don't really know what else to say about that. I was cruel to myself, because everything I try goes wrong. People keep misunderstanding me (sometimes it's their fault, sometimes it's my fault), and things just go wrong. And everytime, I'm the only constant factor. So it has to be my fault somehow. and I've tried, for years, to figure out what's wrong with me. That's why I went to counselors so much. It wasn't until this past month I realized maybe I'm screwed up enough to need a psychiatrist. To the last part of that section, once again, borderline personality disorder.

"2) As noted, we can't call this your "entire self" because the person posting seems to be suffering and not gaining pleasure from it, at all. This aspect is almost repressed completely from the post. So then, would I be wrong in saying that your "cruelty" could be part of your shadow?"

Which part is almost repressed completely? And I am suffering. I haven't begin to describe to most people on this board how much I've been suffering, I've just been kinda scared to. It isn't my "entire self" and for reasons I hope to explain later, I'm scared of being myself on this board. I don't think anyone here knows how much I hate myself. But I want to change. I just need time and support, and I'm scared I won't be able to get that here or anywhere else. I don't know anything about "shadows" and all, but I try not to be mean or anything. Obviously, I totally fail sometimes.

"3) Your shadow in analytical psychology represents all the things about you that you can't accept. So then, if there was an aspect of you that could act sadistic towards others but you actively stopped yourself from acting on this, and couldn't accept your desire to do this as a part of "you", it would be repressed into "your shadow". It is you, but you won't recognize it because you couldn't possibly be that vision of absolute evil. Unfortunately though (In Pascal's theory of psychology) if this repressed portion of your subconscious can't act on others, it might find a new individual to take it's sadistic nature out on... you.*"

I'm honestly not sure how much I agree with all this. I know I can be mean to others, and I try not to be, but thats because I don't want to be mean, not because I can't accept that part of me to be part of me. I have a hard time accepting anything good about myself. Maybe my good part is my "shadow". I really can't think of any response to the rest of this. I'm not sure how much all this really applies, because I'll openly admit I hate myself and barely see anything good about me. I know they're there, but most people don't give me the time to open up enough to show them.

"4) And so begins the path of self torture. It convinces you to hate yourself, then it gets you to write posts that put you down, it even tries to push you to physically harm yourself. It might even slip out once and a while, when you're too weak to fight it, and hurt others while leaving you entirely unconscious of it's activities. And of course, if it were to destroy Aedin... perhaps Aedin fears that it could suddenly hurt others without restraint, that no one would be there to check it's vicious nature from hurting his friends, companions and loved ones."

I agree with all of that, except I'm not afraid of it destroying me. The only way it can destory me, would end with me killing myself, which if I could a find mostly painless, low-risk-of-failure way to do that, I'm not the least bit afraid of killing myself. I'm more scared of being alone, of feeling alone, of feeling (no matter how hard I try not to) like everyone's gonna hate me and unrepentatnly hurt me and that I'll always be alone and nothing will work with me. I'm scared of a lot. I'm scared of always feeling alone, of never finding what I need.

"But if that is true... then there is also within Aedin a second character that we've left out. Unsung, noble and beautiful in accordance to the will of his creator."

That is true. It's just really hard to show that part, for a variety of reasons. Maybe I'll explain later what I need to show that part, but it's really hard.

[TGJesusfreak]

I hope maybe reading these articles will help people on this site understand me more, and I hope it'll help you all forgive me.

Well I forgive you Aedin. In fact I never was angry. =)

[Aedin]

It said I went over the character limit, so here's the rest of my response.

"This is one who takes the path of the hero. After all, if Aedin is being hurt by this thing, he must be standing in it's way, and if he's standing in it's way, he's fighting it to defend those he cherishes (including strangely enough, himself), and that is nothing short of those defining moments that characterize all great heroes. His depression then is a symbol of birth, battle death and rebirth, time and time again as he attempts to descend into the darkness and come out tested and true against the evil he finds in his own heart. The depression is the darkness the hero experiences in their journey, like Jonah going in the belly of the whale or Christ's decent into Hell to gain the keys of life and death. Aidin is also a hero, and he is fighting valiantly against a terrible villain of absolute evil that he may never be able to fully vanquish but must continuously submit beneath the power of his own soul."

I'm kinda surprised you described it that way. Would be kinda dramatic if I described it that way, but it's definetely better than people assuming I'm some kind of whiny child who expects everyone else to do everything and fix everything for me and who act like I do nothing to help myself. So thank you for that lol. I mainly fight it, because I just want to be happy, but for a lot of various reasons, that's insanely hard.

"But this villain, I believe, also makes a mistake in this piece, because it writes the word narcissism (and it is so afraid of this, that it does not even dare provide a wiki-link)."

I wrote narcissism, because I do show some signs of it. I didn't post a link to it, because I don't show enough symptoms to have it, and didn't want to cause more misunderstandings.

"Narcissism, we may recall, inevitably means a perversion of loving oneself. But of course, if one's innermost villains were to describe something of their bane, they wouldn't present it with flowery words, but with curses and spitting - so he writes narcissism and not love of self. But this is perhaps what the shadow in Aidin fears most, that Aedin may one day love himself so greatly that he would be immune to the slings and arrows of his own shadow of self-sadism; that he would be simultaneously capable of repressing his most evil sadistic feelings from others and fully immune from it's self-destruction from within - because a healthy love of self can be the root of both."

That's why I confuse myself so much, and why I think I have BPD. I hate myself, more than anything. Yet at the same time I see how I'm not that bad. You are right that I'm afraid of some day actually loving myself so much that all my problems go away, and the self-destruction goes away, because that would be a great change, that I wouldn't fully be able to deal with. I'm also afraid that even if all these problems get fixed, that I'd still be really lonely, and still have a hard time making real friends.

"Now for something of a possible answer (and note I'm not a psychologist). Supposing you place some amount of symbolic power in words; if you could yell the above phrases out without any twitch on the emotional dial, then you perhaps have a healthy love of self - that's all it will say. But if you couldn't yell them out (even in private), or felt that twinge of pain in reading one, perhaps you've just found your own inner darkness. A narcissist, I think, could bellow these phrases with ease, but someone who suffers from a lack of self worth might even feel a sting from their statement, as though the arrow hit the mark too close to home and one didn't want to speak on the matter. As though they weren't worthy. And if a phrase strikes you in reading it, now or in repetition, like a bolt of agony, congratulations, you've just stabbed the beast within in it's heart, and have hurt it truly for the first time since it began to hurt you."


One of my problems is I care way too much about what other people think of me, because I'm lonely, and I hate being alone. Part of this has been really hard, cause since my ex left me, I've just felt this huge absence in my life. I'm trying to focus on God and all that, to heal, but I'm afraid that absence will never be filled. I place my "symbolic power" in emotions, not words. That's why I need meds, they help (when they work) not have my emotions go all over the place, and it's alot easier to heal and work on healing, when I'm not on the verge of tears and hating myself and feeling hopeless all the time. Even without trying your exercise, just reading it, I can tell I don't have a "healthy love of self". I read those phrases again and again, and I can barely make myself say them (not read them) even in my head. I'm scared of trying and failing, of everyone abandoning me. I'm afraid if I fix my problems, that I'll only be able to make shallow friends, not real friends. I can't really say anymore about it right now, I'll say more about it in the other post I want to make.

I don't know what else to say in response to your post, but if I can make myself, I'll try those exercises out, and I'll check that book out.

[Aedin]

Oh, also

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder

(for some reason wikipedia has two different articles about social anxiety, who knew)

[Okami]

Just remember, Aedin, a psychological diagnosis isn't the end-all to your problems. I thought it would be, I dabbled in self-diagnosis before I was confirmed to have the disorders that I do. It's a dangerous thing, though, because eventually you become so consumed by your own diagnosis that it's hard to accept the professional one(s).

[Aedin]

I haven't diagnosed myself, or tried to diagnose myself. It's just, those links are really similar, so even if I'm not diagnosed with them, I'm still really similar, so it can still help people understand member. Also, I don't want to go into this psych group evaluation thing, and have no idea what they're talking about. I need to do some research, so I can have some part in the discussion, and help give them some info (since they don't know me at all). Also, some people are iffy about psychiatrists, since they get all in your mind and stuff. I want some defense against that.

Thanks for that TG. Maybe it's just me, but most of the time, it's really easy for me to feel like people hate me or are mad at me or anything like that. There's just the other side of the coin though (and Mr.Frodo knows how much I love coins) it's not just that I hope people can forgive me, but a few people (maybe quite a few, I don't have an exact number lol) hurt me, some of them hurt me a lot. I PMed some of them, some did respond and say sorry and all that (which I appreciate, helps me believe there's good people out there) but most haven't responded when I PM them to try to clear things up. I just wish it was easier to know if people cared or were sorry when they hurt you, ya know? Growing up, and within the past couple years (not necessarily on CAA though) I've met a lot of people who hurt people (not just me) and just didn' care at all, weren't sorry at all. That's one of the things that bothers me most. When someone hurts someone else and doesn't care at all.

[Yuki-Anne]

Yuki, the fact that I took your response so bad, just shows me more how messed up I am.

Not really. It just shows that the written word is kind of an awful medium for the exchange of emotional dialogue.

Really, I'm not offended in the slightest, because I make these kind of mistakes WAY more than I let on. A lot of times I read someone's post and I'm like, "Wait, is... is she mad at me? Does he think I'm stupid?" I have to suppress that part of me, because it's not a healthy thing to obsess over. But I didn't learn to do that overnight.

[Dante]

Aedin, thank you for reading and replying to my post, that was very patient of you. It was also good of you to try and read the exercise I put up. Those sayings are my daily exercise in fighting my own lack of self-worth.

You seem to be very sensitive and compassionate to your readers, to say the least. I almost feel as though you're handling me with "kiddy gloves". You are certainly not a failure.

Just hear me out. Statistically, I know that even the most successful people only succeed at their goals once out of ten times (it's when they get it right once that their success begins to improve). However, if you've spent a good portion of your life fighting these inner emotional pains, then you've already spent every drop of energy you have trying to heal yourself. I know from personal experience just how exhausting it is to cut myself with nasty words. I'll often sleep for thirteen hours after a good night of self-loathing and wake up feeling like I was hit by a train. This is actually one of the reasons I don't stay in my emotionally unstable mode all the time, I can't afford the emotional energy needed to do it - I'm too exhausted. That's when my depression appears to recede and I stay in my blank "so-so" mode.

So if you're already emotionally "spent" you'll never be able to do much of anything. You have to first make peace within yourself - and that will feel wonderful, fulfilling and just plain great. Don't fear it, look forward to it! If you can defeat this inner pain, you may be on the verge of the first day of the rest of your life (that's what I desire, to finally want to want to live).

Also, about that group you're heading to. Don't worry so much about learning psycho-babble, it can be fascinating and teach you about yourself, but don't use anything to hurt yourself with.

From what I've experienced, it's less about listening to them and more about them listening to you. If you want to prepare, perhaps you should give some thought as to the different major points in your life story (just a short self-refresher course, you can see things that are painful, but ONLY once - [color="Red"]DO NOT REPLAY THESE*[/color]) - they really seem interested in your life story. If they are anything like mine though, they'll typically give you a hard time about accepting something in writing. Probably because you'll be speaking volumes of information more with your hands, facial expressions, eye-movement and all that stuff.

They will also be unlikely to throw mean labels on you - at least if they are any good. If they're beating you up and telling you you're an evil person, they're a pathetic excuse for a psychologist. Carl Jung (who I apparently think too much about) once had someone write him to confess that they murdered their best friend to steal their husband... if your psychologists have been in business a while, they've come to expect that when it comes to humans, if you can imagine it, come to expect it. And that can be a REALLY big load off your chest, once you realize that you can be YOU around them, once you realize that you can say everything you hold back and not be judged, you can just get all the pain out on the floor - as though it were poison killing you from the inside. And oddly enough, that there is a darn good chance it's not only ok, it's downright more common then you imagine.

They can also be proof that there are really people out there that are genuinely authentic and not shallow. Depending upon how deep you learn to trust them you may find yourself building a very deep relationship - one that might give you courage for future growth. I can't begin to describe the aid I've gained from counseling when I was a student (enough that I am actively seeking the same solution to help me once again) - I really hope you have a wonderful experience as well.

*I mean, those memories are OLD and BAD, therefore WAY past their expiration date. Eating too many at once or a lot of the same is only going to make you emotionally sick till ya wanna throw up. There is only one good use for memories past their expiration date, learn from them and toss 'em aside for the psychologist to recycle into something better.

[Furen]

Well I forgive you Aedin. In fact I never was angry. =)

Nor were many that I knew of.
glad to see you are trying hard to get stuff right Aedin!

[Rusty Claymore]

Heya Aedin, I tried replying to your PM but it gave me a blocked messege... but anyways, I'm glad you're finding things out! Keep going and you'll pull through! n.n/)

[Aedin]

Just to make this quick, Claymore, the reason you got a blocked message, is I was given guidelines, I got emotional and upset one night, and made a new thread in the prayer section (which broke one of my guidelines). Now I can't see people's profiles, send PMs, or apparently receive them. Every post I make has to be approved by a mod.